Fall Grades!

Well.. finals are over...grades are out, and I leave for vacation tomorrow. Could things get any better??!?!?!? Here’s the grade breakdown... and my remarks to them:

Family Studies: B+
Very happy about this!!!!!!!

American Family History: B-
Considering I didn’t go to this class for 8 of the 10 weeks, not bad... don’t ya think?!?! Only 3 elements went into the grading (Midterm, Research Paper, and Final). I’m assuming that I got no less than a B or C on any of these, so I’m thrilled!!!

Psychology of Women: D+
OK, so, this isn’t the best grade... but it’s the last Pro-Fem class I have to attend, and that’s cause to CELEBRATE!!! I’m just glad I passed it and don’t have to take it again!!!!

Spanish: No Pass
I opted for the pass/no pass option in this class, so regardless of the grade I received, it wouldn’t affect my GPA. Towards the end of the term, I realized that I wasn’t really learning anything, and rethought my foreign language options. I’ve decided to go back and take my placement test in sign language, and finish out my remaining foreign language credits in ASL instead of trying to learn a whole new subject!

AND.. my GPA went up from a 2.62 to a 2.74 (and working it’s way upward!!!!!)


VACATION TIME!!!!!

Year End Party

Well, after 7 weeks of planning.. it’s all finished! Last night was my old office’s year end party. They asked me to come back and do the planning for all the year end meetings, luncheons, and parties. I had a fantastic time, and it was so nice to go back and do that. The only downside was that this past week was also when all of my classes research papers were due, and next week is finals. So, by 11 o’clock last night, I was ready to call it an evening, and get home to bed.

Oh yeah.. and I woke up today at 11, and went back to bed till 7. Now THAT’S exhaustion!!!

Late Night Excitement!?!?!?!?

Alright.... please note what time I'm writing this! Wanna know what I'm doing up this late?!?!? Tonight has been a NIGHTMARE! I went to bed shortly after eating something... and was digging the idea of getting to bed early, and sleeping in on Friday (Veteran’s Day).

Well, about 2 and a half hours ago, my fire alarm went off (high pitched alarm...and recorded voice telling us to walk down the stairs. Actually the whole building's fire alarm went off. We all had to evacuate to the loading dock... and spend the next hour standing on the street. Fire trucks came.... several cops came.... and even an ambulance.

We found out from the firemen that some idiots got drunk, destroyed the 3rd floor (kicked holes in the walls, pulled up the baseboards, etc).... then they went to the 5th floor and opened up a fire extinguisher... causing a lot of "smoke" and the chemicals got stuck in the air system setting off the alarm... and thereby forcing us (all 500 tenants) to evacuate the building (oh yeah.. did I mention this was at 12:30 am, and I was SLEEPING). Then, after an hour of being outside, Even when it was safe to get back in the building, we had to walk up the stairs cause the elevators hadn't reset. Yeah, and apparently whoever did all this crap were the same idiots who stole a large iron man-hole cover and were rolling it down the concrete stairwell about an hour before the “alarm crap”.

Then I come back to my apartment, and all these students evacuated without their keys, so they were waiting for the RA to come... and having a "lounge-fest" in the hallways. Then I get ready to lay back down.. and this party starts next door.. and is really loud!!! So, I get ready to go tell them to be quiet, when I hear a loud pounding on a door across the hall.. and a loud voice yell "Open up, this is the Police Department". Apparently they found out the name of the person who set off the extinguisher (his name was Micah)... and they went to the apartment of a guy named Micah to talk to his (turned out the be the wrong guy... which of course freaked out the poor innocent guy across the hall). Of course when the police came out, Chris and I went to see what the hell was going on. Then, because there were still people awake wandering the halls... they all wanted to visit... and I got to bitch about being so irritated. Most of them were all ... "oh well... there's no class tomorrow, so lets just get over it".

I'm officially surrounded by MORON'S. The only good thing that came was that Chris (the guy across the hall) and I met these two really cool people while we were waiting to go back in the building. We're thinking of going out tomorrow night. But, man.. what a way to get a social life!?!?!?!?!

So, I'm going to put in my earplugs, and my eye mask.. close the shades, and SLEEP IN so I can wake up and write my "I'm Pissed" letter to the housing board. I'll try writing tomorrow and to tell you all about my group presentation (By the way... aced it) :-)

Ok.. So what's new with me???

So much has happened with me in the past few weeks... it’s been kind of hard to get on here so often. Last week was midterms, so (as most of you know... that’s torture in itself). Here comes the “stop reading of you don’t care” moment. :-)

Let’s see...

Spanish: Apparently I’m doing really well in this class (shock shock). Today, I finished my 2nd composition in this class (1st was a self description, and the 2nd was about “mi amigos”) We’re also learning the countries, nationalities, and languages of 24 foreign countries. Thank goodness... no midterm. But, 3 more weeks till the oral final, and 4 weeks till the written final. Wish me luck!!!

Family Studies: Did my presentation on Families with Disabilities FINALLY! The day we were supposed to present one person didn’t show... the second day, another person didn’t show... but we did it anyway! Other than that... it’s just lots of readings, and movie clips. No midterm, and no final.. WAHOO!!!

American Family History: Just had my midterm. Can I just tell you.. I HATE THIS CLASS!!! This is one of those professors that only has 4 things that they base the grade on.. and each one if 25% of the grade... you mess up on anything, and you pretty much blow it. Like this midterm... 2 essay questions.... and since this is the first thing she’s had us turn in, we have NO idea of her grading style. I hate that!!! I finally selected my topic for the research paper. I’m writing on the effects of Pre WW2 sharecropping on families in the American South, and the correlation between sharecropping and African American slavery. Rough draft is due next week... and the final draft is due on the 21st.

Psychology of Women: I’ve been spending a lot of my spare time meeting with my group to plan our group presentation (we’ll give it on November 9th). We’re doing Women and Friendships. We’re doing a timeline format... touching on adolescence friendships, young adult, adult-middle age, and seniors. I’m focusing on the “Urban Tribe” theory of friendships. I’m taking a lot from the “Sex and the City” group and the “Friends” group. I’ll explain the human nature to create family connections when your own nuclear families are not close proximally... and how those connections can be maintained over time and how they are not contingent upon a similarity in life stages.

Man.. those last sentences make me really realize that I am in college full time... I actually talk like that now... how sad is that!!??!?!?!?

Happy Halloween!

I’d like to introduce you to my halloween pumpkin! Can I just tell you... this one was an experience!

First... Let me tell you how I “inherited” this pumpkin. Friday night was my new wards halloween party... and can I just tell you... they go ALL OUT! Apparently, it’s bigger than their Christmas party (their reasoning is that most people are gone for the holidays, and they can splurge on the fun when everyone is in town). They do a full sit-down dinner (pizza and hot cider.. ROCK ON!!), a pumpkin carving contest, carnival games, a “sorting hat” activity, “spooky” dessert contest, a professional balloon artist, donut bobbing, trick or treating (people “adopted” different doors in the building, and the kids went door to door), and then costume awards. Let me explain the costumes... OH MY GOSH! They got so in to it. I don’t honestly think I’ve ever been somewhere where the adults got into it just as much as the kids did! We’re talking Incredible Hulk, Cat in the Hat, “Heidi”s Grandfather (hint...read the book), Pippi Longstocking, housewives (that would be a guy), Huck Finn (little boy), etc!!! It was so awesome!!! I’m SO glad I went!

Ok.. so on the tables... the tablesclothes were orange and black.. and the centerpieces were TONS of helium balloons, and pumpkins! So... when we left, lots of us took the balloons and pumpkins home... so, I inherited the one you see above.

Now, why was this one so interesting to carve. 1st, cause I cut the mouth too big.... so I had to make the eyes bigger to compensate. In the process of that, I cut through the nose. By this point the face was pretty much a lost cause.. but I still wanted to put one in my window. SO, I got creative....

I put all the pieces back, and turned it around, and started re-carving. :-) Then, I tried to display it... but the pieces of the “original” face kept falling out.. So I wrapped the back of him in foil, and...gave him a...drum roll please.... a Metallic Wizards Cape :-) Then came dilemma #2

I have no candles in this apartment (I use Airwick Liquid Oil)... so, how to luminate a pumpkin... hmm.... Well.... what do you use when the power goes out.. YEP, a flashlight. And dang it, if I didn’t have the perfect kind to use... the type that transform into a lantern (you can see the yellow flashlight if you know it’s there)

Aren’t you impressed with my ingenuity!?!?!?!?

Hallelujah!!!

After 2 weeks of the flu that KICKED my butt... I’m feeling so much better. I’m now back to my rigorous schedule... which involves classes, research, group presentations, term papers, and homework!

Wanna hear about my upcoming school projects.... Well, if not... stop reading :-)

Let’s got by class:

Spanish: I still suck... but I’m learning to suck “between the lines”. Last week we did people and physical descriptions... and now we’re doing classroom items and quantities. Wahhoo. All I can say is THANK GOODNESS she gives out extra credit like it’s going out of style.

Family Studies: By far, this is my favorite class. So far we’ve studied how the family is portrayed in movies, print media, and television (we’re watching “Pleasantville” to study the contrast between reality and fantasy... we’ve already watched clips of “Truman Show”). I’m also working on a paper and presentation along with a group of classmates. Our topic is “Families and Disabilities: How the family is affected when a member has a disability.” This topic is split into several elements: Disabilities people are born with (cerebral palsy, downs), disabilities that occur during lifetime (accidents, cancer, etc), Parents with disabilities, and resources that are available to families who deal with these disabilities. I chose to focus on mental disabilities among parents (and how it affects the children/spouse) and among the children (and how it affects the parents/siblings).

American Family History: We’re learning about a lot of different types of people in America, and about the dynamics of the family units (ie. native americans, slaves, migrant workers, early Colonial settlers, etc). The paper I’m getting ready to write a 10 page paper on some element of families over time (1500 to 1980). I’m thinking about writing about southern farming families who were sharecroppers, and how this lifestyle/occupation affected the families, and how the entire families were involved. I’m not really sure yet... but that’s what I’m thinking... Any ideas... let me know.

Psychology of Women: This teacher has a very good philosophy for this course. She’s not trying to convert our thinking, or make us change our values... but to make us “notice”. She wants to help us to make the “invisible visible”. One of the ways she has done this for me is when we watched a video called “Killing us Softly 3” (see www.jeankilbourne.com). The speaker has studied how women are portrayed in the media. I was very surprised at what I learned. In this class, my group is doing a presentation on “Women and Friendships”. We narrowed it down to same-sex, non romantic friendships. We split it up and came up with these elements: Conflicts in relationships, how friendships are sustained over time (or how they withstand time), Things that women can get away with their female friends that male-male, or female-male friends could not (ie hand holding, hugging, saying “love ya”, etc). The element that I took is the role that current life stages play into friendships over time (or whether they are even an issue).

Alright... that’s about where I’m at so far in classes. In addition to all this, I’m also an advisor in the LDSSA. I’ve designed the website, and am maintaining the email contacts. I’m also heading up the publicity element.

Love ya’ll... Drop me a line when you get a chance!!!

LDSSA

Well, if you came to this entry, you were curious about what LDSSA, or the Institute of Religion is. Well, here goes. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As an element of the CES (Church Educational System), most major colleges and universities have a building owned by our church on their campus, or very close by to the campus. This campus serves many purposes, with its main element being an educational building for religion based courses: New Testament, Old Testament, Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ, Doctrines of the Gospel, Missionary Preparation, and numerous others. The “Institute” building also has a full functioning kitchen, library (place to study), quiet room (piano, couches, places to visit), game room (foos ball table, pool table, vending machines, air hockey, ping pong, cable TV, etc). The Institute here in Portland also has a chapel for Sunday meetings, and a half court basketball court. 

By being a student (and taking more than 8 credits), I am automatically enrolled in the LDSSA (Latter-Day Saint Students Association). I decided to take it to the next level, and become an officer. I’ve been meeting with the faculty advisor (who’s my NT teacher), and the president (who’s in my NT class)... and I’m going to try to bring more activities to the LDSSA/Institute. Next week, we meet with the on-campus club coordinator, and then I’ll know a little more about what my responsibilities will be. I’m really excited!!! Wish me luck!!!!

1 week down... 9 to go!

I have officially been in classes full time for an entire week. I gotta tell you, it’s really not that bad. I know, it’s only been a week, and it gets MUCH tougher, but I think I’m ready for it. As for the classes themselves, I have mixed reviews...

Out of all of my classes, the Spanish one is the only one that concerns me. I think it has to do with the fact that I spent so many years doing ASL (which is completely visual) and now I’m switching to an auditory language. Besides that, this course is an immersion course. HEAVEN HELP ME!!!

As for Family Studies.... this class should be pretty fun! Yes, I’m the oldest person in the class (aside from the token “little old lady” in each of my classes). We had to come up with last names in pop culture, and everyone was coming up with ones like “Hilton”, “Gilmore”, “Simpson”, “Lachey”, “Carter” and “Osbourne”. The first ones that came to my mind were “Huxtable”, “Seaver”, “Tanner”, “Ingalls” and “Walton”. Sad, I know.. but you have to take into consideration the fact that I’m a decade older than these students. the shows I saw every day on regular TV (and remember life before they were on), are now aired on Nick @ Nite and TVLand. Luckily, my instructor is my age... :-)

Let’s see.. then we come to American Family History. Ok, this sounds like it would be fun.. and it’s a pretty low division course, so, what’s the beef there. Well, the instructor introduced the class by saying that this is a very writing intensive course, and that she expects us to write our best assignments throughout the entire duration of our academic career during these next 10 weeks. WAY to put some pressure on us. Oh well... I’m a good writer, so that shouldn’t be too difficult. She also said that she would be assigning light reading loads (day 1: Pages 1-51; 214-245).... light, huh!?!?!? Nice... good to know what I’m to expect!

Then there’s Psychology of Women. I was a little (ok, a lot) skeptical about how this class would go considering how much I hated my Women’s Studies’ class last term. I read the description, and it was all about the way women’s minds work. So, I thought, “hey.... I can do that... how bad could they screw that up?” Well, the true description of this class is how society affects gender, and how gender affects society (and especially how society affects gender roles in regard to women). Ok, so, so much for the idea that this class wouldn’t be feminist/male-hating. I guess I’ll just have to learn to grin and get through it.

I’m also taking 2 institute of religion classes: New Testament and Doctrines of the Gospel. For those who don’t know what I mean by the “institute”.. I explain it in the blog titled: LDSSA. My Tuesday/Thursday New Testament class is at lunch time. The secretary cooks lunch for the students, and we eat while we study. There are about 25 people in this class... 20 of them are HOT GUYS!!! I started to get all excited, and during the introduction, they each introduced themselves (and they absent wives who were all absent because they were either expecting their first child, or had young kids at home). DANG IT!!!! Oh well, maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll have single friends. There’s always hope!

I’ll fill you guys in next week with how things are going... Oh yeah, and ANY Spanish tips (or Single Portland guy contacts)... please, send ‘em along! :-) Love ya!!!

New haircut

Ok.. so, today I decided to go get my haircut. I was very specific how I wanted... and (shocking) they didn’t do what I wanted. When I first came home, I HATED it. It was too short, I looked like a boy, and I was just mad that she hadn’t done what I wanted (I even brought a picture for her to follow).

After I took a shower, I messed around with it, and came up with this style (trust me, it’s the only thing I can do with it). I guess it looks okay. I’ll just have to get used to it.. and hope that it grows on me (or grows out quickly).

Fall 2006 Schedule

Monday
9-10am Spanish
10:15-11:15 Doctrines of the Gospel
11:30-12:30 Tennis
5:30-6:45pm Family Studies
8-9pm Family Studies Mentored Session

Tuesday
8-10am History of the American Family
10-12pm Psychology of Women
12-1pm New Testament

Wednesday
9-10am Spanish
10:15-11:15 Doctrines of the Gospel
11:30-12:30 Tennis
5:30-6:45pm Family Studies

Thursday
8-10am History of the American Family
10-12pm Psychology of Women
12-1pm New Testament

Friday
9-10am Spanish

Oh yeah... today was much better?!?!?!

Post Office, Radio Shack, Rite Aid, Payless Shoes, 2 hours at the DMV and 2 buses later... way to pass the day.

My RA came by today. She’s this little 19 year old, named Caitlin (surprising, isn’t it). My first reaction of her was.. over-enthusiastic. She has a sign on her door.... written in (what else) pink highlighter inviting us to “knock and come on in to visit”. She’s cute though. She came by to invite me to join the Residence Hall Association, and to help out with some of the residence life programs. I’ll probably join something so I can say I really jumped in to the college life with both feet. Once classes start, I’ll write about the extra-curricular stuff I’m going to join.

Alright... let’s all cross our fingers that tomorrow is much more exciting! Oh yeah.. I promise.. I’ll post pics of my apartment (now that it’s put together) sometime this week!

I have 7 more days... of THIS????

I got to sleep in.... and, that was about IT! By around noon, I was already bored to tears of this “nothing to do” schedule! Classes don’t start up till the 25th... so this is my “make sure I’m ready” week. Ok... I’m READY, so... now what?!?!? This week better FLY, or at least something better come up to give me something to do this week... or I’ll go NUTS!!!!!

Going Away Party

Tonight was my “going away” dinner with my co-workers. We went to McMenamin’s Kennedy School here in Portland. It’s an old school that they have restored to it’s turn-of-the-century decor and have converted into a hotel, restaurant and pub. It was a really cool place to have dinner, with an awesome environment. There were about 7 of us all together. E came, even though she’s not working at that company anymore... and it was so good to see her again and hang out with her. E, C, and I had a few drinks before dinner. I love hanging out with the 2 of them... hope we can do it even after I leave.

Last Day of Work

Well, after 18 months, I left my job to do this “school” thing. I got close to getting emotional, but I was able to contain it really well! I think the thing that I’m going to have the hardest time with is not hanging out with C everyday. I’m really going to miss her... even though I know we’re still going to hang out. Oh well... time to focus on my goals!!!

Changes

Alright.. so, some of you know what has been going on with me lately.. but some of you are still in the dark. So, let me shed some light on the many changes that are going on....

1st: I am moving into a (very) small studio apartment in downtown Portland this weekend! When I say small... think 333 square feet. I'm on the 7th floor (of a ten floor building)

2nd: I gave my notice at my job (of almost 2 years), and my last day will be September 15th. And no, before you ask, I do not have another job lined up, nor will I (see below).

3rd: I'm going back to school full time at Portland State to get my degree(s) finished! My major is in Social Science with an emphasis in Education and Psychology (child/adolescent). It'll take about 18 months to finish my BA; then I'll have 4-7 terms for Teacher Credentialling (depending on the number of certificates I want); then I'll go for my Masters in Education Administration.


Let me know if you have any questions (like.. "what the hell are you doing") or if you have any positive responses (like.. "you go girl, it's about damn time"!) :-)

Love you all!!

Vacation Update

I know it's been a while since I've written on here, but things have gotten a little out of control lately. Work got insane and tried to take me down with it (but somehow I pulled out of it). School worked ok (at least for this upcoming term). I've decided that I'm only going to take it one term at a time, and then stress about it when the time comes. I can't handle the long term decisions right now. I'm afraid they'll kill me off.


I'm in Arizona on a much needed vacation. I'm hoping that the vacation part of this will start up tomorrow! Up till now it's been all about JRBs wedding. For those of you haven't heard... JRB is like my family. I've known their family most of my life, and pretty much all of his. I used to babysit for him, and his family and I are very close. Yep... someone that I consider a little brother/nephew got married... before me. I shouldn't say that.. the way that comes out is like I'm shocked. I'm not. If I were shocked, then there would be a problem. I hit a certain age, and figured it would probably happen. Let's just say that knowing it would happen, and actually watching it happen are 2 TOTALLY DIFFERENT THINGS!!!! The wedding itself was fine (or at least watching the "outside the temple" stuff). The reception, however... was a different story. You know how I said that I was basically a part of the family. Well, I should clarify something. To MOST of them I am... to A FEW of them, they would rather I just stopped coming to family functions. And of course, there's the single factor. They're all cousins, siblings, couples, or friends... and... then there's me. The people that I'm closest with are the 40-50 y/o crowd, and they were enjoying the time with the kids/grandkids/nieces... and so I spent a considerable amount of time this weekend with the teenagers, or (at the reception) with my cell phone in my car (or in a dark corner where no one would notice me).


I wanted to be able to spend time talking with two of my 40-50 y/o crowd friends, but they were too preoccupied to devote too much time with me. So, that didn't happen. I don't want to sleep my whole time down here, but I also don't really want to get into that situation more often than necessary this week. I have a couple of days this week where I'm hoping to get to see a few of my Antioch friends, and maybe get away a little bit to be by myself (not exactly what I wanted to do... but oh well).

Clarification

I need to briefly clarify something before anyone gets the wrong idea. I do have friends. I have AMAZING friends in my life. I have people in my life that, even when I live over 700 miles away, keep tabs on me and make sure that I am happy/healthy. I have people in my life that will talk to me for hours into the night when I am struggling with things that I could never say out loud, and yet... with them... I never have to, they just know. These are people who worry about me, cry with me, get frustrated with me, rejoice with me, understand (or try to) me, succeed with me, pick me up when I fall, and are there to start the whole process all over again. They don't judge me, they don't stop caring about me, and they don't stop being there for me... no matter how stupid the mistakes I make are (and trust me, there have been some doozies). No, we don't "hang out" and go to dinners, movies, clubs, or even see each other very often... but we're friends nonetheless. No, I can't just go to them for physical support when I need it (a hug, a shoulder, a pat on the back, or a blessing), but they are there in my heart. It's not easy being apart physically, but right now, it has to be this way.

D, K, C, P, JW, B, L, S, and my UD... you all know who you are. Thank you for everything that you do and have done to show me that you care. Your friendships mean the world to me, and I hope that one day I will be able to show you just how much you having you in my life has truly meant to me. I love you all so much. It's amazing just how short those words come from conveying the true depth of the emotion that they should, but that's all I have to offer... I love you!

Z

I know this person. Ill call this person Z. We hang out, but its not that often. I like hanging out with her, you know. I don’t have any friends here in Oregon, and its kind of nice to have someone to talk to, and hang out with away from work and school.
I think I annoy her though because she has lots of friends, and has lots of commitments, and I do (and always have) come across as a very needy person when it comes to human contact. I can only imagine how irritating I am when I call Z and want to come over, or get together to hang out. Im pretty sure that Z probably avoids my calls and screens caller ID when my number pops up (heck, I would). I've tried to make jokes about it... like saying things like I'm sure she'd rather have a kick in the head than see me after seeing me during the week. I try to put myself in her shoes and wonder what it would be like if one of my friends appeared to crave friendship that badly, and I was her only resource... how would I handle it. I would FREAK!!! I know I would!!!
I totally understand that its ridiculous to have only one outlet. I get that. What do you think was one of the causes of my breakdown 2 years ago? J was my only outlet, and I was Js. When we started introducing other people into that (out of necessity) it became too much for me to take, and I cracked. I know I do my best when I have lots of outlets, because they don’t feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of all-of-me and I don’t feel the need for them to take on all-of-me. The problem lies in the fact that I don’t have any outlets up here. I know Z wouldn't want to be thought of as an outlet, Im overwhelming, I know it. I always have been.
Why cant I be fun? Why cant I be the kind of friend that can just go to the gym with someone, or to pizza, or out shopping with? Because people don’t see me that way. I don’t know why. I know Im not fun. I never have been; thats always been B. B has always taken on the fun role; I took on the adult role. Problem is that I am an adult... not a grandma.
I think a lot of my friends have also had to come to grips with the fact that I am so much younger than most of them as well. I brought that up to J (who is also a lot older than I am) and J said that it tended to take people a while (if ever) to understand that although I was only 29, I am an older person who has had lots of experiences, and can match wits in any conversation with a person in almost any situation. Most always-single child-less 29 year olds cannot say that, but most of them haven’t raised numerous children, given out great marital/parenting advice, dealt with dating/marriage, infancy/childhood/teenagers, divorce/remarriage, etc. J also said that it takes people who haven’t known me forever a while to understand this about me. I guess J has a point.
What’s bad is the wondering. One day, Z had mentioned that there are people in her office who talk about someone behind another’s back. I mean, come on it is an office of 30 with primarily women who love to talk. It kind of makes me wonder what is being said behind mine.

Where did my life go completely off-course?

I cant believe what a loser I have turned into. As a teenager, I never would have thought that my life would have amounted to this little, and that I would have been this big of a loser.
I live almost 700 miles away from absolutely everyone that I consider a friend. Being up here, and listening to what other people do with their friends, has made me realize that even those people down in CA and I don’t have that kind of relationship. Don’t get me wrong. Yes, they are my friends but its not like we can hang out. Our relationships consist of sitting at their house, and watching TV, and playing with their kids. Up here I go to work, and work my butt off then go to school and work my butt off and then go home and do the same thing all over again the next day. No, I don’t regret leaving Antioch. Im glad I got away from my family but at what expense did I do it. I lost my only human contact. Even if I didn’t take advantage of it I knew it was there if I needed it (I could go to friends if I needed to).
Im almost 30 years old. Im a sophomore in college. I live in a basement apartment. Dang it, I drive a car that my dad bought me, up until 2 months ago I was sleeping on an air mattress or a futon, and I’ve never even had a credit card. I spend my weekends home alone watching crap on TV and for those of you who are going to say some smart ass remark I have a remark of my own for you. I want you to answer me something think back to how you’ve met people: neighborhood, kids, Spouse, clubs, work, school, church, etc right?!?!? Well, lets break that down: Neighborhood: I live in a basement beneath an 80-year old FREAK in a neighborhood of 70 year old hippy wanna-bes or complete Yuppie young families. Kids: Don’t got ’em. Spouse: See kids. Clubs: Don’t drink, don’t dance, and don’t belong to any. Work: Fun people, don’t want to hang out with me cause they have friends from the other categories. School: Can we say a whole group of 18 year old punks who live at home and don’t know what a job is like that doesn’t consist of the words paper or plastic. Church: Im so freakin’ tired of being judged for things that I do (don’t do), say (don’t say), have done (haven’t done), did (didn’t do), etc.
I just don’t see how people can say that being alone can be enjoyable. I guess I should rephrase that. I hate being lonely not necessarily being alone. Loneliness blows, but I guess that makes sense since my life seems to be taking that kind of a turn lately.
Yeah, deal with the rambling.. if you've read the last one.. you'll get it.

Here comes my heart on my sleeve... be prepared!

For anyone that I talk to even semi-regularly, you know that I'm definitely not the best at this. Also, if you've talked to me recently, you know why I haven't done this for a while. Things have, to say the least, gotten a little out of control lately. I don't want to exactly get into the specifics, but I do need to use this space to do a lot of much needed venting. I'm kind of hoping that somewhere along this line, I can come up with some realizations of my own to help me with this.

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of waking up alone, working alone, eating my lunch alone, and going home alone. I'm tired of being told how "nice" it can be to be alone. I'm tired of depending on my phone as my only contact with the outside world. I'm tired of hearing people look forward to weekends while I dread them; knowing that I will have to endure another 2 full days without human contact and that if I want to talk to anyone, it'll be done into the receiver of my cell phone. I'm tired of calling people so I can have some form of communication, and them not understanding that all I need is human contact. I'm tired of leaving messages on answering machines, and never getting responses. I'm tired of not having anyone to tell things to; even the stupid every-day junk. I'm tired of going overboard when I do talk to people, because I never know when it'll happen again. I'm tired of craving verbal contact so much that I would actually call people who I fight with, just so I can have words leave my mouth. I'm tired of this causing people to get overwhelmed and more likely to go away. I'm tired of pretending that I have extensive plans, when in actuality I know its all wishful thinking. I'm tired of making plans, and them not working out. I'm tired of staying in my apartment for days on end. I'm tired of knowing that if anything were to happen to me, no one would know for a long time. I'm tired of pretending that I have friends here in Oregon, when I know that I don't. I'm tired of putting the term "friendship" somewhere it doesn't belong just so I don't feel so lonely. I'm tired of "begging" for social interaction, and simply coming across as an incredibly needy person. I'm tired of craving physical contact so badly that I resort to placing myself in danger to get it. I'm tired of wanting to hug people so much, that it hurts. I'm tired of having to convince people that there's no ulterior motive for my wanting a hug... only to know that there’s someone there who cares. I'm tired of knowing that there isn't anyone there(close by) for me when I need them. I'm tired of having to get on an airplane to be around people who understand that I am a physical person. I'm tired of needing to travel to be with friends. I'm tired of trying to turn people into friends, when they're not... or they don't want to be. I'm tired of being jealous, and I'm even more tired of having to constantly keep it under control because I know how stupid it is. I'm tired of relying so heavily on minor plans because that's all I have to hang on to. I'm tired of those times that those minor plans change and having to pretend that they were just minor plans, and they they didn't just destroy me inside. I'm tired of being the one who always gets cancelled on when something better comes along. I'm tired of how minimal changes in my environment can make such a drastic change in my personality and my mood. I'm tired of not knowing who I really am, and of trying so hard to make people like me that I try to become like them in the hopes that they'll want me around more (remember the "egg" scenario from "The Runaway Bride")... I feel like I'm living that in every sense of the cliche.

Why am I such a kid when it comes to crap like this???? Why can't I be act like the almost 30 year old that I am? Or, better yet... why can't I at least talk about this to people instead of writing it on this stupid blog!!!?!?!?!?!?