Here comes my heart on my sleeve... be prepared!

For anyone that I talk to even semi-regularly, you know that I'm definitely not the best at this. Also, if you've talked to me recently, you know why I haven't done this for a while. Things have, to say the least, gotten a little out of control lately. I don't want to exactly get into the specifics, but I do need to use this space to do a lot of much needed venting. I'm kind of hoping that somewhere along this line, I can come up with some realizations of my own to help me with this.

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of waking up alone, working alone, eating my lunch alone, and going home alone. I'm tired of being told how "nice" it can be to be alone. I'm tired of depending on my phone as my only contact with the outside world. I'm tired of hearing people look forward to weekends while I dread them; knowing that I will have to endure another 2 full days without human contact and that if I want to talk to anyone, it'll be done into the receiver of my cell phone. I'm tired of calling people so I can have some form of communication, and them not understanding that all I need is human contact. I'm tired of leaving messages on answering machines, and never getting responses. I'm tired of not having anyone to tell things to; even the stupid every-day junk. I'm tired of going overboard when I do talk to people, because I never know when it'll happen again. I'm tired of craving verbal contact so much that I would actually call people who I fight with, just so I can have words leave my mouth. I'm tired of this causing people to get overwhelmed and more likely to go away. I'm tired of pretending that I have extensive plans, when in actuality I know its all wishful thinking. I'm tired of making plans, and them not working out. I'm tired of staying in my apartment for days on end. I'm tired of knowing that if anything were to happen to me, no one would know for a long time. I'm tired of pretending that I have friends here in Oregon, when I know that I don't. I'm tired of putting the term "friendship" somewhere it doesn't belong just so I don't feel so lonely. I'm tired of "begging" for social interaction, and simply coming across as an incredibly needy person. I'm tired of craving physical contact so badly that I resort to placing myself in danger to get it. I'm tired of wanting to hug people so much, that it hurts. I'm tired of having to convince people that there's no ulterior motive for my wanting a hug... only to know that there’s someone there who cares. I'm tired of knowing that there isn't anyone there(close by) for me when I need them. I'm tired of having to get on an airplane to be around people who understand that I am a physical person. I'm tired of needing to travel to be with friends. I'm tired of trying to turn people into friends, when they're not... or they don't want to be. I'm tired of being jealous, and I'm even more tired of having to constantly keep it under control because I know how stupid it is. I'm tired of relying so heavily on minor plans because that's all I have to hang on to. I'm tired of those times that those minor plans change and having to pretend that they were just minor plans, and they they didn't just destroy me inside. I'm tired of being the one who always gets cancelled on when something better comes along. I'm tired of how minimal changes in my environment can make such a drastic change in my personality and my mood. I'm tired of not knowing who I really am, and of trying so hard to make people like me that I try to become like them in the hopes that they'll want me around more (remember the "egg" scenario from "The Runaway Bride")... I feel like I'm living that in every sense of the cliche.

Why am I such a kid when it comes to crap like this???? Why can't I be act like the almost 30 year old that I am? Or, better yet... why can't I at least talk about this to people instead of writing it on this stupid blog!!!?!?!?!?!?