General Comments!

Hey everyone. This is a spot for anyone to leave general comments for me, without attaching them to a specific blog entry.

My dad

I guess I should explain why I'm heading to CA.

Most of you know my dad, Ken. His health has been really poor for the past 10 years or so... and it seems to be continuing on that course (albeit, speeding up). My sister called me a few days ago and said that he's "fading really fast" and wanted to know if it was at all possible for me to come home for a little while... to potentially say goodbye. Since I'm not in a fulltime employment situation, this time would be the most ideal to go down there... so I'm heading that direction on Saturday.

I have rather mixed emotions about the whole thing. Yes, I am concerned... but if you knew his health "track record", you'd understand my hesistance towards getting prematurely emotional. He has been in/out of hospitals for years, has been in comas, on life support, had a 5-way bypass, lost a leg, lost fingers (and is slated to lose 3 more), been on dialysis 3x a week for a while now, has flatlined and been brought back multiple times, and has suffered major infections and diabetic ulcers for the last several years. I have not lived near him for over 5 years now, and each time I go back, I am amazed at the weight loss he has suffered(he's 92 lbs at present), and am forced to hide my shock at how frail and old he appears (he's only 55... 56 in March). I try to call and talk to him at least once a week... but over the past few months, his ability to hold the phone and carry on a call of any length is greatly decreased. He is now fighting pnuemonia and the gangrene in his remaining fingers.

As a religious person, and a practical person... I realize that he is not going to improve; I wish he could make a full recovery, but I know that this isn't going to happen (barring a miracle). The doctors are fighting an uphill battle. There is no cure for diabetes, and his advanced stage makes it more unlikely that any improvement will occur. Right now, the doctors are simply in fire-fighting mode: new symptom, try to fight it before the next symptom appears, or before they begin to join forces. I know that this person is not who he really is.

I know that he deserves the peace that comes from passing into the next life where he will not have hallucinations, be exhausted from fighting what his body throws at him, and be able to move around with ease and comfort. He will be able to sit/stand without effort, enjoy his loved ones, and be free from the chains of physical and mental addiction, pain, fear, guilt, anger and sadness. He will, once again, be rejoined with his father... with a full awareness of one others personal sacrifices and shortcomings... and be able to move past them into a true and honest (and eternal) father-son relationship. He will be able to welcome home his mother and work with his parents, inlaws and my mother to prepare a place for all of his posterity. He will be with my mom, to see our successes, as well as our trials. They will be there when son-in-laws join the family and future grandchildren are born.

This is not a sad progression. Yes, we will be sad when he leaves us... but we know that he has so much waiting there for him. We know that this is NOT how he would want to live. We know that this is a painful, frustrating and sad way to go through life, and that we should not focus on our own saddness as cause to make someone continue "living" this way.

Part of me hopes that this isn't goodbye. I lost my mom 4 1/2 years ago, and am still struggling with the fact that I wasn't there, and that I never got the opportunity for the sort of goodbye I would have liked. I have, however, allowed myself the chance since then to do my mom's temple work.. and made that time my chance to say my goodbyes. My sister and I talked, and decided that this week would be full of movie nights, family dinners, fires in the fireplace, and talks about one anothers hopes/dreams/memories. We each have felt a void when it comes to our lack of having done this with mom... and although this is not something we have ever done together (and is really un-like us)... it would be a great memory in and of itself, not to mention the things we might learn from one another in the process. If this is the end, I will have had this chance to say goodbye... and if not, than it will still have been a good memory nonetheless.

Not everyone has a chance to know "it" is coming. I encourage you all to make those memories last. Have those talks. Don't put off those movie nights. Play games together. Talk about your childhood. Get a genealogy interview book like this one, and use it for conversation prompts. Take family photos... annual is fine, but the more often the better (doesn't have to be pro). Make traditions. Sit down with your loved ones and share your desires for when you pass. Have the difficult conversations (cemetery/funeral locations, funeral service requests, burial requests, whom to call when it happens, financial arrangements, where things are located, etc)... they won't be there to help you figure all that out when the time comes, so find out now. Love each other. Share with each other. Don't undermine how each others emotions are being displayed... we all grieve, love, stress and relax in very different ways. Just be there to support one another. You never know when you'll need to rely on one another, or lose each other... so take care of each other.

Saturday

So you don't feel left out... and so you'll feel like you're in the car with me on Saturday, here's a little preview of what I'll be looking at... for 12 WHOLE HOURS!!!








Exciting isn't it!??! Jealous?? No need to answer... I know you are!

Driving!?!?!

I'm pretty puzzled with this whole thing. I'm not quite sure what happened, but I've accepted it.

In September 2006, I moved on campus at PSU to allow myself to take classes all day long, and be able to go home in between classes. Living on campus was great since I was close to practically everything. One down side was that in order to park your car while living on campus, you needed to fork out $300 per term (that's every 3 months). This was a fee COMPLETELY separate from rent, utilities, insurance, and gas... and for what... to allow myself the convenience of dragging it out of the garage once a week. I was quickly turning into that old lady who puts like 500 miles on her car a year... going to and from church on Sundays. Well... NO SIREE.. NOT ME! I decided that the money I could spend on parking/insuring the car would be better spent on health benefits and tuition... so I sold the car.

Speed up to September 2007. I have been doing pretty well without a car. Friends have been great about taking me shopping, Safeway delivers, and every mini-mart and restaurant within a mile of campus knows me by name. What could be better, right?!?! Well, there's this great service provided in metro areas around the country. It's called the ZipCar. Basically, you register (for free), and they send you an electronic keycard. When you need "wheels", you login on their website, specify the hours you want it for, and reserve a car from one of hundreds of locations where they are parked. When the time comes, simply take your card and swipe it on the pad in the car's window. The car unlocks, the key is in the glovebox... and you're all set. Your account gets charged an hourly rate (rate depends on the size of the car), and you simply return it when you're done. Now, I have to say... I loved this!!! The cars were fully insured, and there was a free gas card in the dash. I tried out lots of cars this way (Honda Element, Subaru Imprezza, Toyota Scion, Honda Odyssey minivan, and even tried my first hybrid. I usually reserved it for 5 hours at a time, once a month.. and banked all my errands together. It also came in handy when I would need to run a quick "1-hour-worth" trip.. and there were 4 parked in front/back of my apartment. It was awesome!

Now, it's 2009. Between the years 06 and 08, I probably drove a total 1000 miles. As of now, since December 27th, 2008... I have driven 1400 miles (800of those were the drive from Portland to Utah in a UHAUL. Crazy!!

Saturday, I'm driving down to the Bay area. Yep! Apparantly the 800 mile trip, over mountain passes... in a 24ft long UHAUL wasn't enough to deter me from driving long distances relatively soon. Oh yeah, and after staying for a week or two... I'll be come back. Guess what??? The trip home is 750 miles too (blatant sarcasm intended)!! That's 1500 miles round trip. This means that between December 27th (when I picked up the uhaul) to February 7th (date planning on returning)... I will have driven 2900 miles.. and that doesn't include short "around town" drives. Over 3000 miles in the span of 6 weeks.

Colleen, maybe I really should look into that job as a truck driver. I wonder if Powell's has a book on Truck Driving Jargon for Dummies!?!?!?

Compare and Contrast

Can you believe that it's been exactly 2 months since the infamous "meeting with the principal"?! I still can't get over everything that has happened in the last 2 months. For those of you who are completely clueless as to what I'm talking about... "Where have YOU been??" Here's a quick run through of how November compared with January (and you might want to go back and read my previous blog!).

November: Live in Portland
January: Live in Utah

November: Full-time student
January: Temporary employee

November: 30 weeks from a Masters Degree and teaching Credential
January: A WHAT??? At least 18 months from credential, and 2 years from MA

November: Live in a super cute apartment
January: Live in the guest room in my friend's parents basement

November: No car, no insurance, no gas and no car payments
January: Remove all occurences of the word "no" from the previous line

November: It doesn't snow in downtown Portland
January: It does snow in Utah... A LOT

November: Wet
January: Dry

November: 5x5 storage unit
January: 12x8 storage unit

November: Sleeping with my adorable kitty
January: Taking my kitty to CA to live with my sister for a while

November: Biggest stress = homework
January: Biggest stress = upcoming drive to CA, dad's health and getting a job

November: Have never dealt personally with prejudice
January: Have been targeted as a racist because of my religion

November: Prepping for finals
January: Prepping for job interviews

November: Surrounded by new friends and a great support team
January: Surrounded by old friends and a great support team

November: Optimistic for the future, and what it holds
January: Optimistic for the future and what it holds


Pretty amazing... don't you think!?!?!

New Developments

Hi everyone,

As you all know, I have spent the past 5 months in a graduate teacher education program here in Portland, with the goal being to achieve my Masters and teaching credentials this next summer. I have had the opportunity to talk with some of you about my experiences, but with my schedule being as hectic as it has been, I haven't been able to talk to nearly as many of you as I would have liked. Perhaps, if I had kept you all up-to-speed with what has been happening, this would not be coming across as such a big shock to many of you.

Back in September, I was placed in a school in Portland for field experience toward my degree. On the first day of my experience, I received a very un-welcome welcoming from the school principal (she "never wanted" me, was "forced" to take me, and saw me as an "inconvenience")... but I chose to attribute it to stress, and not place much emphasis on it. Over the next few months, I met with instructors, back on campus, to clarify assignments, advisors to discuss requirements, and classmates to support one another through this program. In the end of November, I received an email request for a meeting with my elementary school principal, vice principal, graduate director, advisor and supervisor (I know.. right... can we say intimidation). This concerned me because I had not seen/spoken to the principal since that first day of school... so I had no idea what she would have to say. The principal proceeds to tell me that I'm disrespectful, unprofessional, have an intimidating body language and demeanor. Considering this is a performance review, I take what she says and vow to work on it. She then continues to say that because I am a "Mormon", I must have "been raised and grown up in a very un-culturally diverse area" and that because of her knowledge of "mormon history", she would assume I am "biased towards people of color", and must be finding it difficult to "work with children of color."

Well, long story short, I was given the choice to move to another elementary school or stay where I was. I chose to change (primarily because of the obvious racial/religious prejudice) and I was told that I would be notified when the new placement had been secured. In the meantime, I was told to come up with concrete ways that I could work on my lack of respect, professionalism, communication skills, and "cultural competence". I compiled my "Plan of Action," emailed it to my director, advisor and supervisor.... and a meeting was set them in motion. Following a 45 minute meeting to discuss improvements that I need to make while in the program, I was told that they were unable to locate me a placement, and that I will be unable to progress into the next course in the program: Student Teaching 1. With this being the case, I was given 2 choices.... take a leave of absence for up to a year, or leave the program all together. As you can see, those were not exactly choices.... but they were all I was offered. After much thought, I have decided that taking the leave of absence, and returning to the same views/biases/prejudices would not benefit me at all... so I have chosen to withdraw from the program.

I realize that this version is incredibly condensed, and I'm sorry. I have had numerous meetings and emails in addition to this skeleton of events that have proven to me that their goal was to get rid of the "squeaky" wheel; with the two options I was left with, it was obvious that they simply wanted me gone. Following these meetings, I have spoken with campus legal counsel, mediations and the Vice Provost of Graduate Studies, and have become shocked to learn that I am not the first person to be unjustifiably "urged out" of the program for requesting clarifying information or for advocating for myself. Also, throughout my time in the program, I have heard nothing but negative viewpoints from within educational circles regarding the PSU program, and I strongly feel that this is not where I am meant to be.

So, what does this mean? Basically, I will no longer be a university student (therefore unable to live in campus housing), and will be moving out of Portland. Since my end goal is to teach/live in Utah, I'm going to be moving to Utah County within the next few days, where I'm currently applying for positions to teach in private schools. Depending on how quickly this goes, I will also be applying for a licensure program to do while I'm working. Once I'm steadily in a teaching position, I'll then go back and work, again, on my Masters. For those of you unfamiliar with educational salaries, I will not lose the 30 credits that I have earned over the last 5 months, although they will not go toward a Masters in another program; I will simply be paid based on the number of credits that I have earned (Bachelors + 30 credits).

Over the last week or so, I have found myself running through the emotional checklist (disappointment, anger, fear, etc), and have finally settled into a comfort of the situation. I have realized that there is nothing that I could have done differently to change this outcome, or that I should have done to endure the prejudice that was so obviously a foundation in their view of me. I still find myself disappointed in the outcome, and even more so, struggling with the idea that I have let so many of my friends and family down. However, I have also accepted that I was merely the recipient of a giant avalanche that was intended to push me out of the way... and that they finally worked out the "legal" way to make it happen.

I want to thank you all again for your support through this very difficult, yet necessary, decision in my life... as well as the obvious upheaval that will be occurring over the next few months. I hope to be able to spend some time with my Portland friends before I leave, but as you can imagine, my time schedule has been drastically cut short. Also, for those friends in the Antioch area, I wanted to sent this email out, because it is very likely (with my abrupt schedule) that I will be unable to make it home for Christmas this year. I want to thank you all for the support, love and prayers that you have given to me over the last few years. I hope that I will be able to talk with each of you a bit more in person... but if that doesn't happen soon, please know how much you mean to me... and I will be more than happy to talk with you all by email. I also promise to keep you all informed with any new steps in this process.

All my love and friendship,

Jenn Golden
jenniferkgolden@yahoo.com

Wouldn't it be Great?!?!

Joy To Everyone

I found this link on a friend's site... and just had to share it. This is the most beautiful video I've seen in a long time, and with all the prejudice I'm dealing with in school, it was nice to get a reality check in the midst of all the hate. 

http://www.joytoeveryone.com/download.htm

Twilight

Yes, I've read the books (at least 1-2)... and no, I haven't seen the movie yet... SO NO SPOILERS PLEASE! I did just stumble on this hysterical review of the movie, and a "rejected" screenplay for the movie. I'm not posting this because I didn't like the books - quite the contrary, I did like the books. I just couldn't stop laughing reading this and realizing how accurate it was. :-)

http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/my-rejected-twilight-screenplay/

Enjoy!

Measured Voices Provide Reason

I got this from my friend Annette.. and felt it was more than worthy enough to repeat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Anti-Defamation League Condemns Criminal Activity Targeting Religious Institutions That Supported Proposition 8

"Although we strongly opposed Proposition 8, its passage does not justify the defacement and destruction of property. We urge Californians to channel their frustration and disappointment in productive and responsible ways to work towards full equality for all Americans. To place anyone in fear of threat to their houses of worship or their personal security because they have expressed deeply held religious views is contrary to everything this nation represents. Our Constitution's First Amendment protects freedom of speech, freedom of assembly and freedom of religion for all of us."


Dallas Morning News Editorial: Protest and Civility in a Democracy

“But a vicious minority is not satisfied with that. Some gay rights protesters have voiced sentiments about Mormons, whose church was active in advocating Prop 8's passage, that if said about gays would be condemned as hate speech. Vandals have struck a number of Mormon temples. Bash Back, a pro-gay group in Olympia, Wash., trashed a Mormon temple there, then issued a statement saying, ‘Let this be a warning to the Mormon church: Dissolve completely or be destroyed.’

“Gay rights extremists should ask themselves the same question. A cause, no matter how just, can only be harmed by thuggish tactics. Our pluralist democracy depends on a citizenry committed to working out differences with civility.”


Michael Barber, Professor of Theology, Scripture & Christian Thought at John Paul the Great Catholic University

“… we found it appalling that in the final days of the campaign, opponents of Proposition 8 ran an ad in which Mormon missionaries were presented as barging into a same-sex couple’s home, gleefully rummaging through their personal possessions and violating their rights. The ad attempted to ridicule people of the Mormon faith, even implying that it was wrong that they contributed money to the election. As a Catholic school, we stand beside our friends in the Mormon Church and of people of faith who work tirelessly to preserve the freedom of religion in America. We also strongly oppose any attempt to ridicule another person’s faith, even faiths with which we have strong historical and theological disagreements.”

The First Amendment Center — Charles Haynes: When the Marriage Debate Turns Ugly, No One Wins

“Mormons are taking the biggest hit from the opposition. But as protests, boycotts and blacklists targeting Mormons proliferate, it’s worth pausing to think about where this collision is headed. … Before this clash escalates further, both sides should exercise caution and reconsider their battle plans going forward.”

The Christian Post — Chuck Colson: So Much for Tolerance

“Two days after the election, 2,000 homosexual protesters surrounded a Mormon temple in Los Angeles chanting ‘Mormon scum.’ Protesters picketed Rick Warren’s Saddleback Church, holding signs reading ‘Purpose-Driven Hate.’ Calvary Chapel in Chino Hills was spray painted. Church members’ cars have been vandalized, and at least two Christians were assaulted. Protesters even hurled racial epithets at African-Americans because African-Americans voted overwhelmingly in favor of traditional marriage. What hypocrisy from those who spend all of their time preaching tolerance to the rest of us!”


Beliefnet.com — Rod Dreher: Stand By the Mormons

“Now is the time for traditional Christians — Catholic, Protestant and Orthodox — to come to the aid of our Mormon friends. They put themselves on the front line of the traditional marriage battle like no other church group. And now individual Mormons are paying a terrible price for standing up for something we all believe in. I don't know how we can stand with them from afar, but at least we can thank them, and speak out when we see them being abused. We might also think again about how we view them. … I have deep disagreements with Mormon theology. But they are our friends and allies and fellow citizens, and they deserve our thanks and support.”


John Mark Reynolds, Philosophy Professor at Biola University – California and Thank-a-Mormon Day

“In the battle for the family, however, traditional Christians have no better friends than the Mormon faithful. It would be wrong if that support were taken for granted. We are intolerant of the false attacks on Mormon faith and family. We stand with our Mormon friends in their right to express their views on the public square. We celebrate the areas, such as family values, where we agree. A heart felt thank you may not win points from other friends who demand one hundred percent agreement from their allies, but it is the decent and proper thing to do. Thank you to our Mormon friends and allies!”


The Volokh Conspiracy — Dale Carpenter: An Alternative to Anti-Mormon Protests

“Here's my advice to righteously furious gay-marriage supporters: Stop the focus on the Mormon Church. Stop it now. We just lost a ballot fight in which we were falsely but effectively portrayed as attacking religion. So now some of us attack a religion? People were warned that churches would lose their tax-exempt status, which was untrue. So now we have (frivolous) calls for the Mormon Church to lose its tax-exempt status? It's rather selective indignation, anyway, since lots of demographic groups gave us Prop 8 in different ways — some with money and others with votes. I understand the frustration, but this particular expression of it is wrong and counter-productive.”

Lesson from Harry Potter

Many of you have heard about the frustrations that I have been dealing with. Some of you have not. There is very little I can do to "fix" any of the issues, and am simply trying to tread water until my situation changes itself. 

On Friday night I sat down to watch a movie. I put in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix... and went about my evening (homework). Now, mind you.. I've seen this movie close to a dozen times... but this time, something was different. Have you ever watched a movie, listened to a song, or read a scripture... and found a whole "new" piece that you SWEAR wasn't there before. Well, that happened to me again; for another time, check out this entry. 

Lately, I've been feeling that the Adversary has been working extra hard on me.. and in ways that I'm very unfamiliar with. We all have our trials, but wow... I never thought I'd have this one to deal with. His latest method primarily focuses on making me feel lonely, and unsupported... thereby breaking me down emotionally. For those of you that know me... I'm a pretty socially connected person... and this one is killing me. 

This time's "AHA" came in a conversation between Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood while she was feeding the Thestrals. Harry was feeling that no one understood him, or believed in him.. and that he was feeling very lonely. 

Luna: We believe you, by the way. That He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back, and you fought him, and the Ministry and the Prophet are conspiring against you and Dumbledore.

Harry: Thanks. Seems you're about the only ones that do.

Luna: I don't think that's true. But I suppose that's how he wants you to feel.

Harry: What do you mean?

Luna: Well if I were You-Know-Who, I'd want you to feel cut off from everyone else. Because if it's just you alone you're not as much of a threat. 

Things I've done

Got this from Mother of Three and thought I'd see how many things I've acutally done.... 

To participate, just copy and paste in your own blog, and bold all of the things you have done.

Happy discoveries!

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Seen Mount Rushmore in person
101. Learned to play an instrument

Wow... Not too shabby. Not to mention... great memories!!!