Z

I know this person. Ill call this person Z. We hang out, but its not that often. I like hanging out with her, you know. I don’t have any friends here in Oregon, and its kind of nice to have someone to talk to, and hang out with away from work and school.
I think I annoy her though because she has lots of friends, and has lots of commitments, and I do (and always have) come across as a very needy person when it comes to human contact. I can only imagine how irritating I am when I call Z and want to come over, or get together to hang out. Im pretty sure that Z probably avoids my calls and screens caller ID when my number pops up (heck, I would). I've tried to make jokes about it... like saying things like I'm sure she'd rather have a kick in the head than see me after seeing me during the week. I try to put myself in her shoes and wonder what it would be like if one of my friends appeared to crave friendship that badly, and I was her only resource... how would I handle it. I would FREAK!!! I know I would!!!
I totally understand that its ridiculous to have only one outlet. I get that. What do you think was one of the causes of my breakdown 2 years ago? J was my only outlet, and I was Js. When we started introducing other people into that (out of necessity) it became too much for me to take, and I cracked. I know I do my best when I have lots of outlets, because they don’t feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of all-of-me and I don’t feel the need for them to take on all-of-me. The problem lies in the fact that I don’t have any outlets up here. I know Z wouldn't want to be thought of as an outlet, Im overwhelming, I know it. I always have been.
Why cant I be fun? Why cant I be the kind of friend that can just go to the gym with someone, or to pizza, or out shopping with? Because people don’t see me that way. I don’t know why. I know Im not fun. I never have been; thats always been B. B has always taken on the fun role; I took on the adult role. Problem is that I am an adult... not a grandma.
I think a lot of my friends have also had to come to grips with the fact that I am so much younger than most of them as well. I brought that up to J (who is also a lot older than I am) and J said that it tended to take people a while (if ever) to understand that although I was only 29, I am an older person who has had lots of experiences, and can match wits in any conversation with a person in almost any situation. Most always-single child-less 29 year olds cannot say that, but most of them haven’t raised numerous children, given out great marital/parenting advice, dealt with dating/marriage, infancy/childhood/teenagers, divorce/remarriage, etc. J also said that it takes people who haven’t known me forever a while to understand this about me. I guess J has a point.
What’s bad is the wondering. One day, Z had mentioned that there are people in her office who talk about someone behind another’s back. I mean, come on it is an office of 30 with primarily women who love to talk. It kind of makes me wonder what is being said behind mine.