So... I never said that my "new" things would ALL be super exciting, dangerous, death defying, or yucky... RIGHT?!?!? Now that I've got that out there... this week's NEW has been absolutely beautifully PERFECT for me!!!!
(I just realized that this entry doesn't have the sarcastic wit that I'm used to putting on my blog... but I'm feeling more thoughtful than sarcastic... HOWEVER, I promise, the sarcastic Jenn that you all know and love WILL return!!!)
This past week has brought up some "stuff" in my life. There have been things that have caused me to look at the way I've been living, showing up, and basically doing everything for the last 33 years and I have decided that some things drastically need to change. Some of you will understand me when I use the word "journey" to explain what I'm experiencing, and others will just have to go with it (or send me a private email...). So, after a VERY emotional, eye-opening, physically exhausting and beautiful week.... I woke up this morning to realize... IT'S THURSDAY -- I NEED A NEW!!!!! A few ideas came to my mind (with some help... thanks T), but nothing seemed to "fit" the mood that I've been feeling for the last 6 days.
Then... again-thanks T, the PERFECT NEW came out. For the last few days, I've been inundating myself with music... songs that speak to me... in the space I'm in now, and the space that I want to be in. Although I was not raised in a "musical" household, am light years away from having any musical talent.... music has always had a HUGE influence in my life. Melodies are great, but, I find it's the lyrics that penetrate me and cause huge reactions... for good, or bad! So, I began collecting songs that have affected me on this journey over the last few months, and added those that have just recently stepped into my heart as well. Now, you're probably asking... what could THIS new be??? Well, although music has always had an impact on me, and I've collected lyric sheets for years... I've never really shared my "lists" or why they have that impact on my life. Since the main purpose of this year-long activity is as my personal journal... I thought I'd share the list with you, and share a few of the thoughts (or lyrics) that I stood out for me with some of the songs. Click the titles for the lyrics that had such an impact on me!!!
"One Moment in Time" by Whitney Houston
"I'm only one... But not alone... My finest day is yet unknown... When I'm more than I thought I could be... When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away... And the answers are all up to me... I want one moment in time... When I'm more than I thought I could be... When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away... And the answers are all up to me."
"Find Yourself" by Brad Paisley
I've seen this movie (Disney's Cars) countless times, but it wasn't until the other day that I was introduced to this song, and listened specifically to the lyrics. "When you find yourself in some far off place and it causes you to rethink some things. You start to sense that slowly you're becoming someone else. And then you find yourself..." This is exactly what I have been experiencing. This past year has brought a lot of changes into my life, and has provided the opportunity for me to look deeper into myself, and figure out who I really am. "Well you go through life so sure of where we're headed... And you wind up lost and its the best thing that could have happened." I'm finding myself!!!!
"Don't Give Up" by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush
"Don't give up, cause you have friends. Don't give up. You're not beaten yet. Don't give up. I know you can make it good. Rest your head.. you worry too much. It's going to be alright. When times get rough, you can fall back on us. Don't give up... Please don't give up.... We're Proud of who you are."
"Ordinary Miracle" by Sarah McLachlan
"When you wake up everyday... Please don't throw your dreams away. Hold them close to your heart. Cause we're all a part of the ordinary miracle...It seems to exceptional. The things just work out after all... It's just another ordinary miracle today!"
"Anyway" by Martina McBride
This song has always been a great reminder to me to not let things, people, or anything stand in my way.... even when things seem impossible!!!! "You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way.... Dream it anyway!!!"
"Go the Distance" by Michael Bolton
I remember hearing this song while watching Hercules, and I just remember the goosebumps that I got when it came on. I love the idea that each of us has their own personal mission... and that each of us has our own path to trod in order to fill that mission - the important part is to continue working toward that goal! "Down an unknown road... To embrace my fate... Though the road may wander... And a thousand years... Would be worth the wait... It may take a lifetime... But somehow I'll see it through... And I won't look back... I can go the distance... And I'll stay on track... No I won't accept defeat... It's an uphill slope... But I won't lose hope... Till I go the distance... And my journey is complete."
"A Whole New World" from Aladdin
My sister (hi, Beckie) and I were sending emails back and forth not long ago, and I was telling her about the journey that I'm currently on. This journey has been intended to help me find, like and love myself... discover what I believe, want and deserve in my life... and to finally accept (and change) those things that have been causing me pain in my life. I guess she had been listening to this song, and shared how these lyrics must be how I was feeling... and how right she was!!! "A whole new world... A new fantastic point of view... A dazzling place I never knew... But when I'm way up here - It's crystal clear...Unbelievable sights... Indescribable feeling... Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling... Don't you dare close your eyes... A hundred thousand things to see... Hold your breath - it gets better... I've come so far... I can't go back to where I used to be... Every turn a surprise... With new horizons to pursue."
"Cup of Life" by Ricky Martin
I can't say that I'm at the point of these lyrics yet... but I love that this song goes on the journey with me. it seems to flow from the desire into the feeling itself... and I feel that hits what I've been experiencing. At first, it was something that sounded cool.... and it's quickly from something that I want with EVERYTHING I have, and I'm beginning to KNOW that I deserve it! "The feeling in your soul is gonna take control... Nothing can hold you back if you really want it... I see it in your eyes... You want the cup of life... Now that the day is here, we gotta go and get it."
"Keep Holding On" from Eragon
I have felt so immensly blessed to have an amazing support system while I am on this journey: someone who helps to redirect me when I lose my focus, who celebrates my small victories and realizations, who allows me to share my thoughts/concerns/feelings... and proves to me daily that I matter... not only to her, and to God... but that I have the worth to matter to myself! I feel so blessed to have such an angel in my life who has committed to assiting me on this journey... and reminds me that all I have to do is hold on, and what I can't hold on to... to Let Go, and Let God! "Keep holding on... 'Cause you know we'll make it through... Just stay strong... Cause you know I'm here for you... There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do... There's no other way when it comes to the truth... So keep holding on... Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through."
"Return to Innocence" by Enigma
I was introduced to this song years ago.. and I'd always liked it... but it didn't really have the power that it gained in the last few months. I'm not so much focusing on gaining my innocence, as much as I am working to be confident in myself, my actions and my relationship with God so I don't have to look to others for approval or validation. That's what I took from this song. I'm learning to look to my heart instead of my head when I need to know whats true... and I love that newfound ability!!! "Don't be afraid to be weak... Don't be too proud to be strong... Just look into your heart my friend... That will be the return to yourself... The return to innocence... Be yourself don't hide... Just believe in destiny... Don't care what people say... Just follow your own way... Don't give up."
"Welcome to Wherever You Are" by Bon Jovi
Have you ever heard a song, and from the very first line, you just KNEW it was speaking directly to you?? Well... in my quest to find songs that might speak to me... I ran across a list online of various songs that had inspired people. Now, yes, I grew up in the 80's and 90's... and yes, I thought Jon Bon Jovi was hot (and yes, I think he's WAY hotter now)... but I wasn't a major fan of his... that is.. until now. I found it so divinely orchestrated that this EXACT concept had been the basis of a conversation between myself and two different times (at different times) only the day before. I love how I'm given everything I need... right when I need it...it's just PERFECT! "You come between just who you are and who you wanna be...Remember every new beginning, is some beginning's end...This is your life, you made it this far... You gotta believe that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be... Welcome, to wherever you are...Everyones a miracle in their own way... Just listen to yourself, not what other people say... Remember everybody's different, just take a look around...Be who you want to, be who you are... Everyones a hero, everyones a star... When you wanna give up, and your hearts about to break... Remember that you're perfect, God makes no mistakes."
"Live Like We're Dying" by Kris Allen
This past year has been so full of ups, downs, and side-to-sides that I somehow lost myself in the midst of everything. I've also been introduced to how short life truely is. A few months ago, a friend asked me what I wanted to "try, do or experience." Now, most of you know that I have an obsession with making lists... and I have created LOTS of lists of dreams, wishes, and "goals" for my life. Now, there have been goals crossed off the lists, but generally they were natural progressions in my life, and much less conscious actions on my part. If you're reading this, you're well aware of my Bucket List. Everytime I hear this song, that's exactly what I think of... making my "goals and dreams a conscious action on my part. "So if your life flashed before you... What would you wish you would’ve done... Gotta start lookin at the hand of the time we’ve been given here... This is all we got and we gotta start pickin it... Every second counts on a clock that’s tickin’... We gotta tell ‘em that we love ‘em... Gotta live like we’re dying...Turn it all around or throw it all away."
"Alice Underground" by Avril Lavigne
I can't possibly do this song the justice that it deserves when talking about the impact it has provided in my life lately. So.. I'm not even going to try. Just know that an entire blog entry is in the works for how deeply this movie and song have penetrated me and transformed my life. "I, I'll get by... I, I'll survive... When the world's crashing down... When I fall and hit the ground... I will turn myself around... Don't you try to stop me... I, I won't cry."
"Suddenly" by Superchick
These lyrics are self explanatory.... Click the link (cause I CANNOT select just a few lines). The entire song just speaks volumes of where I am, who I am... and what I am experiencing right now!!! This song may require its own blog entry... very soon!!
"Coming Out of the Dark" by Gloria Estefan
"Though life is never easy the rest in unkown... Up to now for me it’s been hands against stone... Spent each and every moment searching for what to believe... Coming out of the dark, I finally see the light now... It’s shining on me... "
"One Girl Revolution" by Superchick
THIS.. is what I want to stand up and YELL when I reach my finish line!!!! This is the song that is also going to cheer me all along the way... cause THIS is what I want!!!!!!! "And I'll be everything that I wanna be... I am confidence in insecurity... I am a voice yet waiting to be heard... I'll shoot the shot, bang, that you hear round the world... And I'm a one girl revolution...Some people see the revolution but most only see the girl... I can lose my hard earned freedom if my fear defines my world... I declare my independence from the critics and their stones... I can find my revolution I can learn to stand alone."
"You Are a Child of Mine" by Mark Schultz
"I’ve been hearing voices... Telling me that I could never be what I wanna be... they’re binding me with lies... haunting me at night... and saying there’s nothing to believe... Somewhere in the quietness, when I’m overcome with loneliness I hear You call my name... And like a father, You are near...And as I listen I can hear You say 'You are a child of Mine - Born of My own design.'
"Celebration" by Kool and the Gang
This song shows me what I'm going to experience... and what I want to experience!!! "This is your celebration... There's a party goin' on right here... A celebration to last throughout the years."
"The Call" by Regina Spektor
I've heard this song a thousand times... but it wasn't until recently that I listened to the intro and recognized it in my heart. This is precisely what I feel like I have been doing over the last 10 years. I can look back over the last decade, and see those feelings, desires, and whispers poking out through the lines of my journals. Those feelings that there was something I was missing, something more to who I was that I wasn't in touch with... and that urge to discover what I couldn't see. But... for whatever reason... it wasn't the right time... and until the time was right, it wasn't meant to happen. Well, guess what time it is now... the RIGHT time ;-) "It started out as a feeling... Which then grew into a hope... Which then turned into a quiet thought... Which then turned into a quiet word... And then that word grew louder and louder... 'Til it was a battle cry... Just because everything's changing... Doesn't mean it's never been this way before..."
"Learn to Love Yourself" by Olivia Newton-John
I'm not exactly sure why, but this is NOT something that most people are taught growing up. We (well... I was) are taught to be humble, self-sacrificing, modest and complimentary to others. Now... don't get me wrong... these are all beautiful, important and amazing qualities that not everyone holds (but probably should). The problem is, however, that we (I) never learned how to see myself in the same way that I saw others. So... as a result, I have spent much of my life not liking myself (let alone loving myself). This is another of those songs that I can't do justice in a blurb... so you'll have to stay tuned for Week 3 of "52 new" to truly understand what this song, and the feelings it has stirred have done to my life lately.
"You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)" by Josh Groban
Back in January, I had the most beautiful opportunity to attend an introduction workshop that provided the chance for me to experience a wonderful visual imagery. I have continued to struggle with the beliefs and thoughts that have built up around me during my life... and have fenced me in and prevented me from living my life from an authentic space. I have tried to figure out how to break down these walls, to no avail. During this workshop... for the first time ever... I saw myself climbing over that fence... and running away from those beliefs. This song was playing when I had that image... and I love that I can see it so clearly everytime I hear this song!!! "Don't give up; it's just the weight of the world...Don't give up, because you want to be heard...Everybody wants to be understood... Everybody wants to be loved... Don't give up, because you are loved...Don't give up; It's just the hurt that you hide... When you're lost inside, I will be there to find you... Don't give up, because you want to burn bright...You are loved... Don't Don't give up... Every one needs to be heard... You are loved!!!"
"Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone)" by Chris Tomlin
As a child, I don't remember this being a song we sang much in our church services... but I was introduced to it through my grandmother, who had been raised Southern Baptist. I always loved the words from the song... but it took on a whole new power when I first watched "Amazing Grace." For those of you who know me well, you know I have an affinity for history... so this movie was a must see. When I heard this song for the first time, I cried... because I actually FELT that it was true. This path I'm on right now has further proven to me that He is there beside me... every step of the way. I remember telling a friend that I felt like I was again in a freefall... only this time, I didn't want to be "caught" by just anyone. I had been caught by church leaders, dear friends, bishops, etc... but we are all human, and they couldn't be my everything. This time... I am once again free falling... but I don't want my friends to catch me... I want God to catch me. I KNOW that He will catch me EVERY time, and that He will catch me when He knows it's my time to be caught. He will never judge or say "wow, falling again... ?" He will just lovingly open His arms and cradle me in them... and show me His amazing, unending love... Could it be more perfect... or beautiful!?!?! "My chains are gone... I've been set free... My God, my Savior has ransomed me... And like a flood His mercy reigns... Unending love, Amazing grace."
