My dad

I guess I should explain why I'm heading to CA.

Most of you know my dad, Ken. His health has been really poor for the past 10 years or so... and it seems to be continuing on that course (albeit, speeding up). My sister called me a few days ago and said that he's "fading really fast" and wanted to know if it was at all possible for me to come home for a little while... to potentially say goodbye. Since I'm not in a fulltime employment situation, this time would be the most ideal to go down there... so I'm heading that direction on Saturday.

I have rather mixed emotions about the whole thing. Yes, I am concerned... but if you knew his health "track record", you'd understand my hesistance towards getting prematurely emotional. He has been in/out of hospitals for years, has been in comas, on life support, had a 5-way bypass, lost a leg, lost fingers (and is slated to lose 3 more), been on dialysis 3x a week for a while now, has flatlined and been brought back multiple times, and has suffered major infections and diabetic ulcers for the last several years. I have not lived near him for over 5 years now, and each time I go back, I am amazed at the weight loss he has suffered(he's 92 lbs at present), and am forced to hide my shock at how frail and old he appears (he's only 55... 56 in March). I try to call and talk to him at least once a week... but over the past few months, his ability to hold the phone and carry on a call of any length is greatly decreased. He is now fighting pnuemonia and the gangrene in his remaining fingers.

As a religious person, and a practical person... I realize that he is not going to improve; I wish he could make a full recovery, but I know that this isn't going to happen (barring a miracle). The doctors are fighting an uphill battle. There is no cure for diabetes, and his advanced stage makes it more unlikely that any improvement will occur. Right now, the doctors are simply in fire-fighting mode: new symptom, try to fight it before the next symptom appears, or before they begin to join forces. I know that this person is not who he really is.

I know that he deserves the peace that comes from passing into the next life where he will not have hallucinations, be exhausted from fighting what his body throws at him, and be able to move around with ease and comfort. He will be able to sit/stand without effort, enjoy his loved ones, and be free from the chains of physical and mental addiction, pain, fear, guilt, anger and sadness. He will, once again, be rejoined with his father... with a full awareness of one others personal sacrifices and shortcomings... and be able to move past them into a true and honest (and eternal) father-son relationship. He will be able to welcome home his mother and work with his parents, inlaws and my mother to prepare a place for all of his posterity. He will be with my mom, to see our successes, as well as our trials. They will be there when son-in-laws join the family and future grandchildren are born.

This is not a sad progression. Yes, we will be sad when he leaves us... but we know that he has so much waiting there for him. We know that this is NOT how he would want to live. We know that this is a painful, frustrating and sad way to go through life, and that we should not focus on our own saddness as cause to make someone continue "living" this way.

Part of me hopes that this isn't goodbye. I lost my mom 4 1/2 years ago, and am still struggling with the fact that I wasn't there, and that I never got the opportunity for the sort of goodbye I would have liked. I have, however, allowed myself the chance since then to do my mom's temple work.. and made that time my chance to say my goodbyes. My sister and I talked, and decided that this week would be full of movie nights, family dinners, fires in the fireplace, and talks about one anothers hopes/dreams/memories. We each have felt a void when it comes to our lack of having done this with mom... and although this is not something we have ever done together (and is really un-like us)... it would be a great memory in and of itself, not to mention the things we might learn from one another in the process. If this is the end, I will have had this chance to say goodbye... and if not, than it will still have been a good memory nonetheless.

Not everyone has a chance to know "it" is coming. I encourage you all to make those memories last. Have those talks. Don't put off those movie nights. Play games together. Talk about your childhood. Get a genealogy interview book like this one, and use it for conversation prompts. Take family photos... annual is fine, but the more often the better (doesn't have to be pro). Make traditions. Sit down with your loved ones and share your desires for when you pass. Have the difficult conversations (cemetery/funeral locations, funeral service requests, burial requests, whom to call when it happens, financial arrangements, where things are located, etc)... they won't be there to help you figure all that out when the time comes, so find out now. Love each other. Share with each other. Don't undermine how each others emotions are being displayed... we all grieve, love, stress and relax in very different ways. Just be there to support one another. You never know when you'll need to rely on one another, or lose each other... so take care of each other.

Saturday

So you don't feel left out... and so you'll feel like you're in the car with me on Saturday, here's a little preview of what I'll be looking at... for 12 WHOLE HOURS!!!








Exciting isn't it!??! Jealous?? No need to answer... I know you are!

Driving!?!?!

I'm pretty puzzled with this whole thing. I'm not quite sure what happened, but I've accepted it.

In September 2006, I moved on campus at PSU to allow myself to take classes all day long, and be able to go home in between classes. Living on campus was great since I was close to practically everything. One down side was that in order to park your car while living on campus, you needed to fork out $300 per term (that's every 3 months). This was a fee COMPLETELY separate from rent, utilities, insurance, and gas... and for what... to allow myself the convenience of dragging it out of the garage once a week. I was quickly turning into that old lady who puts like 500 miles on her car a year... going to and from church on Sundays. Well... NO SIREE.. NOT ME! I decided that the money I could spend on parking/insuring the car would be better spent on health benefits and tuition... so I sold the car.

Speed up to September 2007. I have been doing pretty well without a car. Friends have been great about taking me shopping, Safeway delivers, and every mini-mart and restaurant within a mile of campus knows me by name. What could be better, right?!?! Well, there's this great service provided in metro areas around the country. It's called the ZipCar. Basically, you register (for free), and they send you an electronic keycard. When you need "wheels", you login on their website, specify the hours you want it for, and reserve a car from one of hundreds of locations where they are parked. When the time comes, simply take your card and swipe it on the pad in the car's window. The car unlocks, the key is in the glovebox... and you're all set. Your account gets charged an hourly rate (rate depends on the size of the car), and you simply return it when you're done. Now, I have to say... I loved this!!! The cars were fully insured, and there was a free gas card in the dash. I tried out lots of cars this way (Honda Element, Subaru Imprezza, Toyota Scion, Honda Odyssey minivan, and even tried my first hybrid. I usually reserved it for 5 hours at a time, once a month.. and banked all my errands together. It also came in handy when I would need to run a quick "1-hour-worth" trip.. and there were 4 parked in front/back of my apartment. It was awesome!

Now, it's 2009. Between the years 06 and 08, I probably drove a total 1000 miles. As of now, since December 27th, 2008... I have driven 1400 miles (800of those were the drive from Portland to Utah in a UHAUL. Crazy!!

Saturday, I'm driving down to the Bay area. Yep! Apparantly the 800 mile trip, over mountain passes... in a 24ft long UHAUL wasn't enough to deter me from driving long distances relatively soon. Oh yeah, and after staying for a week or two... I'll be come back. Guess what??? The trip home is 750 miles too (blatant sarcasm intended)!! That's 1500 miles round trip. This means that between December 27th (when I picked up the uhaul) to February 7th (date planning on returning)... I will have driven 2900 miles.. and that doesn't include short "around town" drives. Over 3000 miles in the span of 6 weeks.

Colleen, maybe I really should look into that job as a truck driver. I wonder if Powell's has a book on Truck Driving Jargon for Dummies!?!?!?

Compare and Contrast

Can you believe that it's been exactly 2 months since the infamous "meeting with the principal"?! I still can't get over everything that has happened in the last 2 months. For those of you who are completely clueless as to what I'm talking about... "Where have YOU been??" Here's a quick run through of how November compared with January (and you might want to go back and read my previous blog!).

November: Live in Portland
January: Live in Utah

November: Full-time student
January: Temporary employee

November: 30 weeks from a Masters Degree and teaching Credential
January: A WHAT??? At least 18 months from credential, and 2 years from MA

November: Live in a super cute apartment
January: Live in the guest room in my friend's parents basement

November: No car, no insurance, no gas and no car payments
January: Remove all occurences of the word "no" from the previous line

November: It doesn't snow in downtown Portland
January: It does snow in Utah... A LOT

November: Wet
January: Dry

November: 5x5 storage unit
January: 12x8 storage unit

November: Sleeping with my adorable kitty
January: Taking my kitty to CA to live with my sister for a while

November: Biggest stress = homework
January: Biggest stress = upcoming drive to CA, dad's health and getting a job

November: Have never dealt personally with prejudice
January: Have been targeted as a racist because of my religion

November: Prepping for finals
January: Prepping for job interviews

November: Surrounded by new friends and a great support team
January: Surrounded by old friends and a great support team

November: Optimistic for the future, and what it holds
January: Optimistic for the future and what it holds


Pretty amazing... don't you think!?!?!