My dad

I guess I should explain why I'm heading to CA.

Most of you know my dad, Ken. His health has been really poor for the past 10 years or so... and it seems to be continuing on that course (albeit, speeding up). My sister called me a few days ago and said that he's "fading really fast" and wanted to know if it was at all possible for me to come home for a little while... to potentially say goodbye. Since I'm not in a fulltime employment situation, this time would be the most ideal to go down there... so I'm heading that direction on Saturday.

I have rather mixed emotions about the whole thing. Yes, I am concerned... but if you knew his health "track record", you'd understand my hesistance towards getting prematurely emotional. He has been in/out of hospitals for years, has been in comas, on life support, had a 5-way bypass, lost a leg, lost fingers (and is slated to lose 3 more), been on dialysis 3x a week for a while now, has flatlined and been brought back multiple times, and has suffered major infections and diabetic ulcers for the last several years. I have not lived near him for over 5 years now, and each time I go back, I am amazed at the weight loss he has suffered(he's 92 lbs at present), and am forced to hide my shock at how frail and old he appears (he's only 55... 56 in March). I try to call and talk to him at least once a week... but over the past few months, his ability to hold the phone and carry on a call of any length is greatly decreased. He is now fighting pnuemonia and the gangrene in his remaining fingers.

As a religious person, and a practical person... I realize that he is not going to improve; I wish he could make a full recovery, but I know that this isn't going to happen (barring a miracle). The doctors are fighting an uphill battle. There is no cure for diabetes, and his advanced stage makes it more unlikely that any improvement will occur. Right now, the doctors are simply in fire-fighting mode: new symptom, try to fight it before the next symptom appears, or before they begin to join forces. I know that this person is not who he really is.

I know that he deserves the peace that comes from passing into the next life where he will not have hallucinations, be exhausted from fighting what his body throws at him, and be able to move around with ease and comfort. He will be able to sit/stand without effort, enjoy his loved ones, and be free from the chains of physical and mental addiction, pain, fear, guilt, anger and sadness. He will, once again, be rejoined with his father... with a full awareness of one others personal sacrifices and shortcomings... and be able to move past them into a true and honest (and eternal) father-son relationship. He will be able to welcome home his mother and work with his parents, inlaws and my mother to prepare a place for all of his posterity. He will be with my mom, to see our successes, as well as our trials. They will be there when son-in-laws join the family and future grandchildren are born.

This is not a sad progression. Yes, we will be sad when he leaves us... but we know that he has so much waiting there for him. We know that this is NOT how he would want to live. We know that this is a painful, frustrating and sad way to go through life, and that we should not focus on our own saddness as cause to make someone continue "living" this way.

Part of me hopes that this isn't goodbye. I lost my mom 4 1/2 years ago, and am still struggling with the fact that I wasn't there, and that I never got the opportunity for the sort of goodbye I would have liked. I have, however, allowed myself the chance since then to do my mom's temple work.. and made that time my chance to say my goodbyes. My sister and I talked, and decided that this week would be full of movie nights, family dinners, fires in the fireplace, and talks about one anothers hopes/dreams/memories. We each have felt a void when it comes to our lack of having done this with mom... and although this is not something we have ever done together (and is really un-like us)... it would be a great memory in and of itself, not to mention the things we might learn from one another in the process. If this is the end, I will have had this chance to say goodbye... and if not, than it will still have been a good memory nonetheless.

Not everyone has a chance to know "it" is coming. I encourage you all to make those memories last. Have those talks. Don't put off those movie nights. Play games together. Talk about your childhood. Get a genealogy interview book like this one, and use it for conversation prompts. Take family photos... annual is fine, but the more often the better (doesn't have to be pro). Make traditions. Sit down with your loved ones and share your desires for when you pass. Have the difficult conversations (cemetery/funeral locations, funeral service requests, burial requests, whom to call when it happens, financial arrangements, where things are located, etc)... they won't be there to help you figure all that out when the time comes, so find out now. Love each other. Share with each other. Don't undermine how each others emotions are being displayed... we all grieve, love, stress and relax in very different ways. Just be there to support one another. You never know when you'll need to rely on one another, or lose each other... so take care of each other.