The Perfect Storm

Have you ever had those days... where "if it's going to go wrong... it will"? I had one of those this weekend.

Ths weekend I had to endure a weekend workshop class on "Domestic Violence". Talk about a tough subject to listen to for two days... and it didn't help that alot of the material hit too close to home. Last night I went to Women's Conference with Amy, and the topics continues to talk about "motherhood" and "families". Storm is starting.. Tears are starting.. but I push them down and make up some excuse about "watery eyes". I woke up Sunday and immediately felt the "storm" coming in. I had felt it coming on mid last week, so I emailed the Bishop and had set up a time to meet with him today before church. My home teachers came over, and I was alright while they were here. Then I got dressed, and walked to the busstop... MISSED THE BUS! Storm is getting heavier. Went back home, ate something in the hope that I would feel better. No such luck. Considered staying home today... but knew I'd have to endure perpetual phone calls if I did.

Sat down in sacrament meeting... alone. Staring off at nothing. Told Genet I was "just tired". Told Kim I was "okay". Told Tami I was "fine". I don't think the “I’m fine” remark convinced anyone. That’s the phrase I always use when there is something wrong, but that it’s too much to get into, or I don't know what's wrong. By this point, I've realized what is wrong... and what's causing the "storm" to rise... It's the "lonliness" thing again. Unfortunately, this stuff doesn't have an answer, a solution or get “fixed”.

I found my hiding place during Sunday School. When I hide, I make my self "alone". It's better than being in a room full f people and feeling lonely. Walked toward the door on my way to the bus stop cause I'm going to leave early. Kim sees me - asks how I'm doing... "I'm fine". She doesn't believe me. She takes me to Sunday school with her. I'm bored. I'm lonely... even with all these people around. I look at her, begging to let me leave. She finally gives in, and takes me to sharing time in primary. It was cute... but I'm not in the mood to smile or enjoy anything. I hope no one looks in the back row cause I don't want anyone to see me being "not happy". I'm heading toward the door; find my ride home. Kim stops the Bishop and tells him he needs to talk to me. She tells me to call her and tell her what's wrong. I talked with the Bishop for a little while after church and got some of it out… but I knew (we’ve talked about this stuff before) that there wasn’t really much that could be done about it. These are feelings that I have had for as long as I can remember… and there isn’t an easy fix. I know that.

Every day, I wake up… alone. I eat alone, go to school alone, study alone, do errands and chores alone, watch TV alone, go to bed alone. I’m always alone… and worse yet, I’m always lonely. I’ve learned that there is a HUGE difference between these two words. I do enjoy being alone: curling up with a book, sleeping in, and watching a movie. But I NEVER enjoy the feeling of loneliness.

I had an "AHA" moment the other night. I realized that on any given day, there is no guarantee that I was thought about by another person. It’s also completely possible that this could be the case for several consecutive days. Can you imagine the feeling of knowing that no one thinks about you? If anything were to happen to me, it could be days or even weeks, before anyone realized that they hadn’t seen me... and then even longer to realize that something was wrong. This is the most horrifying feeling for me to come to grips with. It’s been several months since I struggled this badly with these issues, and the last time it happened I decided to test my theories (I know, self destructive… but oh well). Sporadically over several months, I found that I had an 11 day run where I did not say a single word to anyone (and no one noticed); I went 12 days without my phone ringing (meaning that someone had thought of me and called me); and I went 28 days without having any physical contact (not even accidental) with another person. Do you realize that this means that I disappear for almost 2 weeks and no one would even know?

I cannot think of a single day where I have not struggled with feeling lonely. Most days, I wake up and go about my normal life and push all those things down so that they don’t get in the way. Then at night, I cry it all out: seeing people with their friends, watching married couples together, parents spending time with their kids, friends chatting, my phone not ringing, sitting by myself, feeling alone in a big group, etc. Most times, it doesn’t affect me, and I move on just fine. Sometimes, I have to fake it and act like everything is fine. But, sometimes it just builds up so much that I can’t push it all down and I can’t hide it, and it comes bubbling to the surface… like today.

I don’t necessarily know what caused it to build up this time. There could be so many reasons. It could be seeing pictures of my sister and her boyfriend at the beach. It could be lack of sleep from my first week of classes. It could be the Domestic Violence & Child Abuse workshop I took this weekend that just hit WAY too close to home. It could be the wedding announcement that I got from the last of the girls I grew up with. It could be the focus on families at Women’s Conference last night. It could be my missing the bus this morning on the way to church, and waiting in the rain for 40 minutes for it to come around again. It could be sitting by myself in Sacrament Meeting. It could also be a big combination of all of these things... like I said.. the PERFECT STORM!!! It could be that I’m just plain tired.

I’m tired of coming home to an empty apartment. I’m tired of hearing people say how they would “dream” of having time to themselves. I’m tired of having to call people just to have someone to talk to, and then being told it’s not a good time. I’m tired of leaving messages on answering machines, and not receiving responses. I’m tired of having no one to talk to about the big stuff going on in my life… or about the small everyday junk. I’m tired of pretending I have a full social calendar, when in reality all I have is school. I’m tired of being the one who gets cancelled on when something better comes along. I’m tired of having to find rides to everything, and having people go out of their way to help me.

Unfortunately, companionship, love and friendship are not something you can force or will to happen… it either happens, or it doesn’t. I’ve got to learn to accept that it may never happen. I’m not saying that my situation is unique, and I'm not saying that people who have a spouse/children have it better.... I'm jsut saying that I don't always like my situation. Sometimes... it's great... but it gets old (as I'm sure the opposite does as well). Maybe one day I’ll find it’s gotten easier to deal with all the time.

Fall 2007 Schedule

16 credits!

Monday:
11:30-12:30: Book of Mormon
2:00-5:00: Art for Elementary School Teachers

Tuesday:
11:00-11:50: New Testament
12:00-2:00: Health Promoting Programs for Children and Youth
5:30-9:00: Child Psychology

Wednesday:
11:30-12:30: Book of Mormon
2:00-5:00: Art for Elementary School Teachers

Thursday:
11:00-11:50: New Testament
12:00-2:00: Health Promoting Programs for Children and Youth

Fridays:
NOTHING!!!!

I'm also taking one class online: Geography and History of North America


WISH ME LUCK!

Summer of Orientations

I've had a lot of people asking me what exactly Orientation was.. so I thought I'd answer you all at once.

Thirteen times from July 1st and September 19th Portland State held Orientations. Newly enrolled students are invited to attend Orientation and learn more about the University, it's resources, majors, etc. Days are either strictly for Freshman (students who have no credits coming into PSU), or Transfer (students who are transferring from either another University, or a junior college).

The OL team met every morning at 7am for a 30 minute briefing session. We talked about any changes we would need to know, information adjustments, told how many students we would expect that day (usually around 400) and we'd get the daily schedule. From there we broke into our "morning groups": Check In, Directional, and Tours. Directional put balloons around campus and stood at strategically placed spots to guide people to the lecture hall; Tours conducted pre session campus tours; and Check-in prepared all the literature student receive when checking in, and checked in students... that was my group.

Every morning, I'd check-in close to 175 people and their guests, take guest fees, give them their materials, and direct them to either have their photos taken for their ID cards, go on a campus tour or enjoy refreshments until 10am. At 10, students would congregate in the lecture hall for 35 minutes of "welcoming" and information about the day. Then, at 10:35, they would be directed outside where they would meet up with their Orientation Leader (based on their major & number on their nametag). I would take my group to a spot on campus where we would visit for 20 minutes, share majors, do an icebreaker (I know, I know...) and then I'd give them an idea of what their day was going to look like. I encouraged my students to think of any questions that may arise and ask me when we came back together.

After "Meet with the Orientation Leader", I would walk them to "Breakout Sessions". These were mini-classes on things ranging from Financial Aid, Housing, College Success, Urban University, MultiCultural Relations, etc (I was assigned to the "Top Ten Tips to College Success" room.... if you want to know what they are, ask me). After two 30 minute Breakout sessions was lunchtime. Lunch was always catered by our campus catering service (Freshman days was really good "meals"... turkey, spaghetti, etc. Transfer days was sandwiches. The reason for this is because we have more parents at Freshman days!) During lunch, OL's are responsible for mingling with the students, making sure no one is sitting by themselves, and answering questions for students and parents. We also encouraged students to visit all the tables at the "Resource Fair" which was made up of members of services/resources around campus.

Toward the end of lunch, my supervisor would get up and direct the students to follow their OL (by number) and we would take them to "Getting Started". This was when an advisor would tell students all about graduation requirements, the PSU general education requirements, and specifics about degrees. Following "Getting Started" students would then meet as a group with their OL. As OL's we conducted "Peer Advising" where students were encouraged to ask any questions they had, or for any clarification about anything they had heard so far that day. We also got into more specific things that would be helpful for students: transportation, tuition, where to find information, etc. I always tried to help students with any questions they had in regards to registering for classes too. I knew that when they met with their advisor, I could reduce the amount of time they spent struggling with a little one-on-one help before they met with the advisors.

After "Getting Started", students would be split up by majors to meet with department advisors, major advisors, or university advisors. I almost always had students in Pre-Education, Liberal Studies, General Studies, Arts & Letters, and Social Science. All of these students went to the General Advising room where I worked anyway... but occasionally students would be considering other majors, and would need to go to another room.

In Academic Advising, I specifically worked with Karen DeVoll who is an advisor in the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences, and worked specifically with those students considering Education as a career path. Since this is also my path, I am very knowledgable in the requirements, so I would help students choose classes that would lead them on that track. I would help students with our Education minor (since we don't have an Education major) and with choosing a major that would most interest them and would lead them to that goal. I also helped them choose classes that are pre-requisites for entry into Portland States Graduate School of Education. I'm very glad that I had the opportunity to teach it so much, because the more I worked through it with a student, the more I learned about my own path.

The last part of the day was the "Registration (Reg) Labs". During Advising, students planned their schedule for Fall term. During Reg Lab, they set up their online account, accepted certain terms, registered for classes, fixed errors on their accounts, and set up their PSU email account. This was a very stressful time, and got more stressful as the summer went on. Students would have "the perfect schedule" planned out, and then get to the reg labs and realize that everything was full, or that one was full which threw off the rest of their schedules. I dealt with more than one student who was in tears before I sat down with them; not just because of the stress of planning a schedule, but also the stress of dealing with their parents "desires" the whole afternoon. I ended up asking the parents to step into the lobby, and told them that their daughter was "in great hands" and we would get things figured out.

I said before that we had to be at our morning meeting at 7... well, I was usually in the "reg labs" till about 5:15 or 5:30. This happened on average twice a week (T and Th and some Saturdays) all summer. We had a few breaks, but it was pretty continual. In addition to doing this, I was also taking 14 credits, moving and working at the office. I'm really glad that I did it though. It was a wonderful experience and I learned so much from it. I loved being able to help students feel comfortable on campus, and answering all the questions that no one answered for me. I learned more about the campus than I ever thought I could possibly know (or want to know). I finally got to the point where I felt like I was a part of Portland State!!! It was a great experience... but I'm glad it's over. It was great while it lasted... but I'm not planning on doing it again next year (granted, ew're all crossing fingers that I'll get into grad school, so it won't even be an option).

Summer in Review

Well, the summer has officially come to a close... THANK GOODNESS!!!!!

This summer has been absolutely horrendous. Between 14 credits of upper division classes, moving to my new apartment, working 12 hour days as an Orientation Leader on campus, working 16 hours a week at my old office and training another employee at my former office.... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. See what I mean about a crazy summer. I'm so glad that it's over!!!

I did, finally, get to go a vacation back to California for a few weeks. It was so nice being able to actually step away from unpacking, courses, working, etc... and soak up 16 days of sunshine. I even spent a fantastic day with my sisters and my nephew at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. Roller Coasters, corn dogs, french fries, seals in the ocean, sand crabs, me screaming my head off on the Typhoon, and creepy climbing pirates.

I also had the opportunity to spend several days at the Oakland Temple (LDS). I attended my friend's sealing, did about 60 family baptisms & confirmations, did 20 initiatories (including my mom's, grandma's, great grandma's and several great aunts), and did 4 endowments (my surrogate mom went with me... I did my mom's, she did my grandma's). It was such an amazing experience!!!

Ok... so, I guess I've held you at bay long enough. Summer term grades... drum roll please...

MultiCultural Literature: A
Minorities: C- (trust me... that's a good one.. I'm just THRILLED it's over)
Survey of Exceptional Learners: A
Social Change and Social Institutions: B


Not bad, huh!!!!

Non Traditional Student Event

So, as part of my role as an Orientation leader, we are responsible for putting on several of the events during New Student Week (the week before fall term classes start). Several months ago, we brainstormed ideas, and split into groups based on which activities we wanted to work on. I pushed REALLY hard for some sort of activity that was specifically for students over 30, and even got put up as one of the voting option activities. After the vote, my director came to me and said that I was the only one who wanted to work on this activity, so it wasn't going to be made one of the small group choices. He continued by saying that he felt that this group of students was drastically under-represented and that it's an activity he would like to see happen. He gave me the option of planning and preparing it all on my own... if I wanted to. OF COURSE I DID!!!

So, I brainstormed ideas, talked with all my friends (in all stages of life) and asked them what they would look for in an activity like this. The answers were unanimous: networking, tips for success, and resources specifically geared to their needs. So, I met with my director, bounced around ideas, and was given the green light to move forward, plan the event, and to get assistance from other OL team members. I decided that the event would have people from campus talk about services available for students, allow students to meet each other and form friendships among other older students, and potentially develop a Student Group or small group activities (I took the idea from the new Enrichment program). I sent out an email to the other 35 team members, got 2 replies back (from which no help came). The only assistance I received was in the wording of my flyer.

Well, long story short... I had a mass email sent out to all PSU students (over 30, currently registered, recently admitted), and had the flyers on display at each Transfer Orientation. I asked my fellow OL's to mention it to their students, and I brought it up at each of my peer advising sessions. I sent an email to all the resources/services on campus and asked for them to either attend the event and speak to the students, or to display information about their service. I specifically zeroed in on those services that would most appeal to older students; child care, financial aid, health services, legal services, career center, family programs, and women's resource center.

In the email to the students, I included an email address I set up for this group.. and after 1 hour, got 20 RSVP's of people who were excited about the idea of meeting other students in their situation. I was getting pretty excited... but kept hitting resistance. My supervisors cut my budget, none of my OL teammates seemed to care about my activity, and I felt like I was being "humored" by everyone on my team. I decided that I was going to floor them by making this activity FLY!!!

I spent this afternoon running around picking up brochures and handouts, printing out sign up sheets, finishing my power point slide show of pictures and music to play in the background. I had the slide show, refreshments, tables, chairs, background music, and brochures all ready 30 minutes before anyone showed up. I was determined to make this flawless!!! 2 of my team members came by before the event to see if I needed anything, and after they printed the sign up sheet for me (the only thing I forgot), they left. The next time I saw anyone from my team was in the last 30 minutes when Ahmed came to see how it was going (Thanks Ahmed!!!).

So... how did it go??? It was FANTASTIC! I allowed the first 15 minutes for mingling, which wasn't a big deal since most of them came early and had been mingling for 20 minutes prior as well. I started by introducing myself, talking about my life as a "Non-traditional Student", explained the reason why I pushed so hard for this event to take place, and explained what the evening was going to be like. It was totally casual but educational and informative. I introduced the people who came to speak and explained why I had specifically selected them: Career Center, Legal Mediation, Children's Programs, Financial Aid, Women's Resource Center, and Student Health and Counseling. I also talked about my experience over the summer as an Orientation Leader and how I had worked very closely with the Undergraduate Advising and Support Center, and would be more than happy to answer any questions that they may have had. Those who came to speak were fantastic and very helpful. Everyone seemed very happy with the information they were getting, and had lots of questions. One guy was VERY happy to hear that these services were available for students.

After the speakers, I opened it up to questions about anything else they may have wondered about. During Orientations, I called this the "practical advice". Stuff like: what are professors like, how do younger students react to you, how do the younger professors react to you when you are older than them, what is the homework load like, etc. They all had lots of questions about interaction with professors, students, and how long it takes before you stop feeling so "old". Then, they caught me completely off guard. They started to thank me for pushing so hard for this event, and for "fighting for them". They were so gracious and appreciative that it was almost hard to stand there and be humble. They wanted to know who they needed to talk to to tell them how they felt about this activity, they were surprised that an event like this hadn't happened before, and they wanted to know "what was next". I have to admit... I knew this would happen, so I prepared for it (although I let them take the lead). I showed them the sign up sheets for small group activities based on interests and encouraged them to sign up for these as well as to sign up on the main sign up sheet. That would give me access to their email addresses and we could then plan other activities throughout the term. That totally got them going again! They talked about family events, study groups, monthly get togethers, and a student organization on campus. One lady made the remark that she didn't want to lose the connection she had felt with these people, and that she would talk to "anyone she needed to in order to get this group to stay active." I encouraged them to email the Orientaion office and tell them their reactions to the event so that my supervisors (who didn't even bother to make an appearance at the event) would know how well it went. By the end of the evening, I had people coming to me to give me a hug and saying "thank you". Ahmed helped me clean up and put everything away... and complimented everything he saw at this event. He said that it was one of the best events he had seen that week. I was so glad to have another person confirm that it went well.. and I'm so glad that it went as well as it did.

I always hate patting myself on the back... but it was such a good feeling!!! I knew it would be as successful as it was, and knowing that I did the entire event on my own was also a great feeling. I know that other activities that week weren't nearly as well planned, or as successful... and they each had 4+ people organizing them. It was just a great feeling knowing that I fought for it, because I knew it was a much needed program, and that I had been right... and that I had done it all on my own!!!!!!!!!

Santa Cruz - The Beach

Santa Cruz - Boardwalk