The Perfect Storm

Have you ever had those days... where "if it's going to go wrong... it will"? I had one of those this weekend.

Ths weekend I had to endure a weekend workshop class on "Domestic Violence". Talk about a tough subject to listen to for two days... and it didn't help that alot of the material hit too close to home. Last night I went to Women's Conference with Amy, and the topics continues to talk about "motherhood" and "families". Storm is starting.. Tears are starting.. but I push them down and make up some excuse about "watery eyes". I woke up Sunday and immediately felt the "storm" coming in. I had felt it coming on mid last week, so I emailed the Bishop and had set up a time to meet with him today before church. My home teachers came over, and I was alright while they were here. Then I got dressed, and walked to the busstop... MISSED THE BUS! Storm is getting heavier. Went back home, ate something in the hope that I would feel better. No such luck. Considered staying home today... but knew I'd have to endure perpetual phone calls if I did.

Sat down in sacrament meeting... alone. Staring off at nothing. Told Genet I was "just tired". Told Kim I was "okay". Told Tami I was "fine". I don't think the “I’m fine” remark convinced anyone. That’s the phrase I always use when there is something wrong, but that it’s too much to get into, or I don't know what's wrong. By this point, I've realized what is wrong... and what's causing the "storm" to rise... It's the "lonliness" thing again. Unfortunately, this stuff doesn't have an answer, a solution or get “fixed”.

I found my hiding place during Sunday School. When I hide, I make my self "alone". It's better than being in a room full f people and feeling lonely. Walked toward the door on my way to the bus stop cause I'm going to leave early. Kim sees me - asks how I'm doing... "I'm fine". She doesn't believe me. She takes me to Sunday school with her. I'm bored. I'm lonely... even with all these people around. I look at her, begging to let me leave. She finally gives in, and takes me to sharing time in primary. It was cute... but I'm not in the mood to smile or enjoy anything. I hope no one looks in the back row cause I don't want anyone to see me being "not happy". I'm heading toward the door; find my ride home. Kim stops the Bishop and tells him he needs to talk to me. She tells me to call her and tell her what's wrong. I talked with the Bishop for a little while after church and got some of it out… but I knew (we’ve talked about this stuff before) that there wasn’t really much that could be done about it. These are feelings that I have had for as long as I can remember… and there isn’t an easy fix. I know that.

Every day, I wake up… alone. I eat alone, go to school alone, study alone, do errands and chores alone, watch TV alone, go to bed alone. I’m always alone… and worse yet, I’m always lonely. I’ve learned that there is a HUGE difference between these two words. I do enjoy being alone: curling up with a book, sleeping in, and watching a movie. But I NEVER enjoy the feeling of loneliness.

I had an "AHA" moment the other night. I realized that on any given day, there is no guarantee that I was thought about by another person. It’s also completely possible that this could be the case for several consecutive days. Can you imagine the feeling of knowing that no one thinks about you? If anything were to happen to me, it could be days or even weeks, before anyone realized that they hadn’t seen me... and then even longer to realize that something was wrong. This is the most horrifying feeling for me to come to grips with. It’s been several months since I struggled this badly with these issues, and the last time it happened I decided to test my theories (I know, self destructive… but oh well). Sporadically over several months, I found that I had an 11 day run where I did not say a single word to anyone (and no one noticed); I went 12 days without my phone ringing (meaning that someone had thought of me and called me); and I went 28 days without having any physical contact (not even accidental) with another person. Do you realize that this means that I disappear for almost 2 weeks and no one would even know?

I cannot think of a single day where I have not struggled with feeling lonely. Most days, I wake up and go about my normal life and push all those things down so that they don’t get in the way. Then at night, I cry it all out: seeing people with their friends, watching married couples together, parents spending time with their kids, friends chatting, my phone not ringing, sitting by myself, feeling alone in a big group, etc. Most times, it doesn’t affect me, and I move on just fine. Sometimes, I have to fake it and act like everything is fine. But, sometimes it just builds up so much that I can’t push it all down and I can’t hide it, and it comes bubbling to the surface… like today.

I don’t necessarily know what caused it to build up this time. There could be so many reasons. It could be seeing pictures of my sister and her boyfriend at the beach. It could be lack of sleep from my first week of classes. It could be the Domestic Violence & Child Abuse workshop I took this weekend that just hit WAY too close to home. It could be the wedding announcement that I got from the last of the girls I grew up with. It could be the focus on families at Women’s Conference last night. It could be my missing the bus this morning on the way to church, and waiting in the rain for 40 minutes for it to come around again. It could be sitting by myself in Sacrament Meeting. It could also be a big combination of all of these things... like I said.. the PERFECT STORM!!! It could be that I’m just plain tired.

I’m tired of coming home to an empty apartment. I’m tired of hearing people say how they would “dream” of having time to themselves. I’m tired of having to call people just to have someone to talk to, and then being told it’s not a good time. I’m tired of leaving messages on answering machines, and not receiving responses. I’m tired of having no one to talk to about the big stuff going on in my life… or about the small everyday junk. I’m tired of pretending I have a full social calendar, when in reality all I have is school. I’m tired of being the one who gets cancelled on when something better comes along. I’m tired of having to find rides to everything, and having people go out of their way to help me.

Unfortunately, companionship, love and friendship are not something you can force or will to happen… it either happens, or it doesn’t. I’ve got to learn to accept that it may never happen. I’m not saying that my situation is unique, and I'm not saying that people who have a spouse/children have it better.... I'm jsut saying that I don't always like my situation. Sometimes... it's great... but it gets old (as I'm sure the opposite does as well). Maybe one day I’ll find it’s gotten easier to deal with all the time.