Clarification

I need to briefly clarify something before anyone gets the wrong idea. I do have friends. I have AMAZING friends in my life. I have people in my life that, even when I live over 700 miles away, keep tabs on me and make sure that I am happy/healthy. I have people in my life that will talk to me for hours into the night when I am struggling with things that I could never say out loud, and yet... with them... I never have to, they just know. These are people who worry about me, cry with me, get frustrated with me, rejoice with me, understand (or try to) me, succeed with me, pick me up when I fall, and are there to start the whole process all over again. They don't judge me, they don't stop caring about me, and they don't stop being there for me... no matter how stupid the mistakes I make are (and trust me, there have been some doozies). No, we don't "hang out" and go to dinners, movies, clubs, or even see each other very often... but we're friends nonetheless. No, I can't just go to them for physical support when I need it (a hug, a shoulder, a pat on the back, or a blessing), but they are there in my heart. It's not easy being apart physically, but right now, it has to be this way.

D, K, C, P, JW, B, L, S, and my UD... you all know who you are. Thank you for everything that you do and have done to show me that you care. Your friendships mean the world to me, and I hope that one day I will be able to show you just how much you having you in my life has truly meant to me. I love you all so much. It's amazing just how short those words come from conveying the true depth of the emotion that they should, but that's all I have to offer... I love you!

Z

I know this person. Ill call this person Z. We hang out, but its not that often. I like hanging out with her, you know. I don’t have any friends here in Oregon, and its kind of nice to have someone to talk to, and hang out with away from work and school.
I think I annoy her though because she has lots of friends, and has lots of commitments, and I do (and always have) come across as a very needy person when it comes to human contact. I can only imagine how irritating I am when I call Z and want to come over, or get together to hang out. Im pretty sure that Z probably avoids my calls and screens caller ID when my number pops up (heck, I would). I've tried to make jokes about it... like saying things like I'm sure she'd rather have a kick in the head than see me after seeing me during the week. I try to put myself in her shoes and wonder what it would be like if one of my friends appeared to crave friendship that badly, and I was her only resource... how would I handle it. I would FREAK!!! I know I would!!!
I totally understand that its ridiculous to have only one outlet. I get that. What do you think was one of the causes of my breakdown 2 years ago? J was my only outlet, and I was Js. When we started introducing other people into that (out of necessity) it became too much for me to take, and I cracked. I know I do my best when I have lots of outlets, because they don’t feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of all-of-me and I don’t feel the need for them to take on all-of-me. The problem lies in the fact that I don’t have any outlets up here. I know Z wouldn't want to be thought of as an outlet, Im overwhelming, I know it. I always have been.
Why cant I be fun? Why cant I be the kind of friend that can just go to the gym with someone, or to pizza, or out shopping with? Because people don’t see me that way. I don’t know why. I know Im not fun. I never have been; thats always been B. B has always taken on the fun role; I took on the adult role. Problem is that I am an adult... not a grandma.
I think a lot of my friends have also had to come to grips with the fact that I am so much younger than most of them as well. I brought that up to J (who is also a lot older than I am) and J said that it tended to take people a while (if ever) to understand that although I was only 29, I am an older person who has had lots of experiences, and can match wits in any conversation with a person in almost any situation. Most always-single child-less 29 year olds cannot say that, but most of them haven’t raised numerous children, given out great marital/parenting advice, dealt with dating/marriage, infancy/childhood/teenagers, divorce/remarriage, etc. J also said that it takes people who haven’t known me forever a while to understand this about me. I guess J has a point.
What’s bad is the wondering. One day, Z had mentioned that there are people in her office who talk about someone behind another’s back. I mean, come on it is an office of 30 with primarily women who love to talk. It kind of makes me wonder what is being said behind mine.

Where did my life go completely off-course?

I cant believe what a loser I have turned into. As a teenager, I never would have thought that my life would have amounted to this little, and that I would have been this big of a loser.
I live almost 700 miles away from absolutely everyone that I consider a friend. Being up here, and listening to what other people do with their friends, has made me realize that even those people down in CA and I don’t have that kind of relationship. Don’t get me wrong. Yes, they are my friends but its not like we can hang out. Our relationships consist of sitting at their house, and watching TV, and playing with their kids. Up here I go to work, and work my butt off then go to school and work my butt off and then go home and do the same thing all over again the next day. No, I don’t regret leaving Antioch. Im glad I got away from my family but at what expense did I do it. I lost my only human contact. Even if I didn’t take advantage of it I knew it was there if I needed it (I could go to friends if I needed to).
Im almost 30 years old. Im a sophomore in college. I live in a basement apartment. Dang it, I drive a car that my dad bought me, up until 2 months ago I was sleeping on an air mattress or a futon, and I’ve never even had a credit card. I spend my weekends home alone watching crap on TV and for those of you who are going to say some smart ass remark I have a remark of my own for you. I want you to answer me something think back to how you’ve met people: neighborhood, kids, Spouse, clubs, work, school, church, etc right?!?!? Well, lets break that down: Neighborhood: I live in a basement beneath an 80-year old FREAK in a neighborhood of 70 year old hippy wanna-bes or complete Yuppie young families. Kids: Don’t got ’em. Spouse: See kids. Clubs: Don’t drink, don’t dance, and don’t belong to any. Work: Fun people, don’t want to hang out with me cause they have friends from the other categories. School: Can we say a whole group of 18 year old punks who live at home and don’t know what a job is like that doesn’t consist of the words paper or plastic. Church: Im so freakin’ tired of being judged for things that I do (don’t do), say (don’t say), have done (haven’t done), did (didn’t do), etc.
I just don’t see how people can say that being alone can be enjoyable. I guess I should rephrase that. I hate being lonely not necessarily being alone. Loneliness blows, but I guess that makes sense since my life seems to be taking that kind of a turn lately.
Yeah, deal with the rambling.. if you've read the last one.. you'll get it.

Here comes my heart on my sleeve... be prepared!

For anyone that I talk to even semi-regularly, you know that I'm definitely not the best at this. Also, if you've talked to me recently, you know why I haven't done this for a while. Things have, to say the least, gotten a little out of control lately. I don't want to exactly get into the specifics, but I do need to use this space to do a lot of much needed venting. I'm kind of hoping that somewhere along this line, I can come up with some realizations of my own to help me with this.

I'm so tired.

I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of waking up alone, working alone, eating my lunch alone, and going home alone. I'm tired of being told how "nice" it can be to be alone. I'm tired of depending on my phone as my only contact with the outside world. I'm tired of hearing people look forward to weekends while I dread them; knowing that I will have to endure another 2 full days without human contact and that if I want to talk to anyone, it'll be done into the receiver of my cell phone. I'm tired of calling people so I can have some form of communication, and them not understanding that all I need is human contact. I'm tired of leaving messages on answering machines, and never getting responses. I'm tired of not having anyone to tell things to; even the stupid every-day junk. I'm tired of going overboard when I do talk to people, because I never know when it'll happen again. I'm tired of craving verbal contact so much that I would actually call people who I fight with, just so I can have words leave my mouth. I'm tired of this causing people to get overwhelmed and more likely to go away. I'm tired of pretending that I have extensive plans, when in actuality I know its all wishful thinking. I'm tired of making plans, and them not working out. I'm tired of staying in my apartment for days on end. I'm tired of knowing that if anything were to happen to me, no one would know for a long time. I'm tired of pretending that I have friends here in Oregon, when I know that I don't. I'm tired of putting the term "friendship" somewhere it doesn't belong just so I don't feel so lonely. I'm tired of "begging" for social interaction, and simply coming across as an incredibly needy person. I'm tired of craving physical contact so badly that I resort to placing myself in danger to get it. I'm tired of wanting to hug people so much, that it hurts. I'm tired of having to convince people that there's no ulterior motive for my wanting a hug... only to know that there’s someone there who cares. I'm tired of knowing that there isn't anyone there(close by) for me when I need them. I'm tired of having to get on an airplane to be around people who understand that I am a physical person. I'm tired of needing to travel to be with friends. I'm tired of trying to turn people into friends, when they're not... or they don't want to be. I'm tired of being jealous, and I'm even more tired of having to constantly keep it under control because I know how stupid it is. I'm tired of relying so heavily on minor plans because that's all I have to hang on to. I'm tired of those times that those minor plans change and having to pretend that they were just minor plans, and they they didn't just destroy me inside. I'm tired of being the one who always gets cancelled on when something better comes along. I'm tired of how minimal changes in my environment can make such a drastic change in my personality and my mood. I'm tired of not knowing who I really am, and of trying so hard to make people like me that I try to become like them in the hopes that they'll want me around more (remember the "egg" scenario from "The Runaway Bride")... I feel like I'm living that in every sense of the cliche.

Why am I such a kid when it comes to crap like this???? Why can't I be act like the almost 30 year old that I am? Or, better yet... why can't I at least talk about this to people instead of writing it on this stupid blog!!!?!?!?!?!?