Planned Spontaneity

The idea of this incredibly profound concept came the other night when I was sharing some thoughts with my friend. I realized that I needed to begin actively working on my bucket list, and that it required a bit of planning on my part. During the context of our conversation, I shared my desire to loosen up and be more "fun" and spontaneous... but I wasn't sure how to do that. As we talked, I mentioned that I wanted to come up with some ideas of things that I could do, and how it would look for me to be more fun, spontaneous, and less "pre-meditated". My friend laughed (in a nice way...). I know how silly the idea sounds of planning to be loose and spontaneous... but I think this goes to the core of who I am and how I have lived my life up to this point. Now, the trick is figuring out how to break that, and change things up a bit.

The idea of this reminds me of several things that have come up in the past few years... things that have helped me to see how regimented and structured my life is. In the last few weeks of graduate school, I was asked to come up with a plan to be more respectful, culturally competent, and professional. I struggled with this!!! I decided to Google the statement: "How to show respect in the workplace". When I got a job as a teacher, I Googled "What do teachers wear". When the idea was presented to me a few weeks ago of coming up with a list of things that I'd like to try, do or experience in my life... I Googled other peoples bucket lists in order to get ideas. I'm beginning to see a trend!!!

Somehow, I think I have become conditioned to believe that there is only one way to be... and that being "unique," "different," or "standing out" isn't okay. I feel like I have to do everything by the book, stick to a schedule, and be sure not to cause any waves in my space. Now... this idea really isn't that bad... except that I'm not happy about it!!! I find myself jealous of my friends who can laugh raucously, skip down the sidewalk, be playful, dance/sing in public, and openly enjoy life! Why do I have to work so hard at being so "chill"? Why can I snap it together so quickly, and why do I not know how to just "let go"? Why do I feel the deep need to be responsible, mature and the one "in control".... even when my body is screaming for me to just relax. I don't even know what it means to "just let go" when that feeling arises.. cause it doesn't. I'm so afraid that I won't even know HOW to let loose.... having spent so many years repressing that side of me. I wonder if it's like hunger pangs. As we grow, we forget what it feels like to "be full" and we assume the pangs are hunger... and so we eat more. I don't know what that "let loose" feeling feels like, so I just keep being responsible and mature. SUCKS!!!!!

I'm wondering if it would work to plan my spontaneity (I know, oxymoronic... but go with me) and let it be a bit mechanical until I can do it without thinking. Thoughts??? Good idea... lame?!?!?! I'm not talking calendaring or anything (although, T, you know I will....), but just something where I can force it till I won't need to.

Any other suggestions or thoughts are MORE than welcomed... I need all the help I can get in this process of "learning to let loose!!!".